A Strange Land

Today I find myself in a strange land between laziness and loneliness, between aching heart and body and a joyful soul. A strange land indeed. My heart is full in so many ways and yet, maybe because it is such a part of me, such a habit, that there is still a void and sadness that sits on top of my belly, just slightly weighing on me, sending a signal that something isn’t quite right. I will focus on the joy for a change. Isn’t that the choice we are all faced with? Maybe for some it isn’t a choice. Maybe for some they just naturally gravitate to the joyful thoughts and feelings. For me, I have lived so much in a state of anxiety that it takes a bit of effort.
My son, a vivacious 3 year old, has been hopping all over the house today. He woke up with a bright red blotchy rash all over his sweet cheeks and arms. This, the day we were to begin swimming lessons, instead became the day we were to visit the doctor! He was so co-operative, quite unexpectedly, and he was ADORABLE while we were there. He has a virus, of coarse, that just has to run it’s coarse and we can begin swimming lessons tomorrow (since now that he has the rash he is actually no longer contagious). We spent the rest of the day mulling around the house, playing on the computer, bouncing a bit on the trampoline, eating macaroni and cheese for lunch. These were such simple pleasures. I should have reveled in them more. I took my unavoidable nap in the afternoon while he ran around the living room in between moments of contentment watching a movie. The sounds I heard as I dozed were those of the likeness of airplanes, trains and automobiles. I even contributed my versions of the sound effects every now and then, so that he would know I wasn’t completely lost, just resting!
It was a good day. I didn’t push myself. I did little housework and I just enjoyed our time. Oh, I read a bit of a novel, too! I don’t squeeze that in very often.
The downside was also the upside, my daughter was gone on a trip. There was a quietness to the house (doesn’t happen too often) that was just strange. Not quite as many demands made on me as usual, but still it was just oddly quiet. It is funny how we miss our children so much when they are absent, yet they drive us crazy when they are present! At any rate, I was allowed to take things slow today and that was a gift for sure. I had some pain in my legs and joints, but it was definitely offset by the simplicity of life that I think I was spoiled with today.
Now tomorrow. . .there is a lot to do, but I will make a conscious effort to fit in some slow-paced joyful moments.

One thought on “A Strange Land

  1. I find myself in that strange land a lot! I, like you, don’t gravitate easily towards those joyful thoughts. It takes effort for me too, I deal with a lot of anxiety on a constant basis as well.
    When I feel that ache in my heart, God’s beauty all around, like the moonrise in your previous post, reminds me that there is something more and that He is with Me and loves me and I have hope in that moment, in the midst of the ache. I love those moments! I think I will try to be more conscious in deciding to appreciate the joyful moments too.
    I am so glad to know you have that hope in God and decide to see the beauty in the pain.

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