Found My Fern

It seems that several days have passed since my last post. My journey has been much more internal as of late; I suppose that may be the norm for me. I am not the kind of person that particularly enjoys staying at home too much, but there seems to be an invisible force field (no, I’m not paranoid, I am just using a metaphor) around my home that somehow keeps me in. In fact, I have never been a person that is energized by being at home, but again, the force field. Everything seems more difficult out there, in the great big world, but it is mostly just so difficult to get out the door. There is one obstacle, a wonderful one at that, which is in “my way” most frequently. It is a 3 year old little boy, my little boy. Everything is more challenging with him in tow. You never know what might become a great hurdle, something you never expected. It is this fear of the unknown that hangs over me, blocking me from the outside world at times.
For example, (you knew there would be one of these coming) two days ago I took my little guy to his swimming lessons. That part is delightful. Afterwards, I decided to be brave and stop at a local nursery who displayed a lovely “50% off all Plants” sign. The gravitational pull of the sale was enough to allay my fears. My son had spotted his stroller in the back of our vehicle and said he wanted to ride in it. Okay, I could go for that. But, wait, what was I thinking. How can I push a stroller and a shopping cart at the same time? I tried to reason with him, but reasoning is not something he does. I figured I would push him in the stroller and look around, if there was something that I wanted to purchase, I would then have to deal with my situation. It wasn’t but 30 seconds later that I spotted a healthy group of hanging baskets filled with plump ferns. I have been eying those things since early spring. I had the right amount of cash in my purse. I was out. I had to get them! But how????
I pushed the stroller around for a while hoping my son would tire of it and want out, after all, we hardly use the stroller any more because he never wants to actually sit in it. Except, of coarse, on this occasion.
A gentleman asked me if I needed any help. Being the introvert that I am, I declined. But, I really did need help if I wanted to buy a fern or two! Do you see my conundrum? Asking Jacob to get out of the stroller was like asking him to eat broccoli. . .resulting in a typical Jacob style tantrum that is not pleasant to see nor hear, nor appropriately deal with as the parent. The end result was that I asked the man for help. I even let him pick the plants out for me. This, is actually a big deal for me, 1) asking someone for help and 2) letting someone else select the plants for me; these are both a little bit out of my comfort zone, (as crazy as I know that seems), but at least I did it.
I brought my beautiful ferns home, hung them from our overhang on the back porch and they look very nice. But, you have to realize that stopping at the local nursery just to buy a couple of plants was way more difficult for me, than it needs to be. That is what keeps me from doing the things I want to do. It is fear, in its silliest form!
Thus, the internal journey, the exploration of my mind, heart and soul; and not a very large space on the planet, for now.

One thought on “Found My Fern

  1. I love the way you write and how you express your thoughts. I can’t wait to read more. It may end-up being a beautiful book!! I’m so glad to have you in my life.

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