Familiar Terrain

Well, I have neglected this blog for too long. I suppose that I got sidetracked. . .I started blogging in some other areas, and have scattered myself about a bit. . .but this blog, this is where I can write about my life’s journeys, discoveries, etc. on a variety of topics, and not feel like I have to stick to any specific genre or topic. . .

With that said, I find myself back in a land that I hoped we would never travel to again. This land is called UNEMPLOYMENT. An awful word when you must live by the earthly ways of money making the world go round, when you have mouths to feed, health to care for, etc. Charley was let go from his position on the 18th of July, almost a month ago. . .but the worst part of this scenario is that only about 1 and 1/2 years ago we were in this place. In that process and during that insane period of our life it was about 6 months and a long hospital visit for myself before Charley took any form of employment. We made the decision to sell our home in a neighborhood we loved as a result of the financial strain we were under and now live in a much smaller and older home, but still a home.

Okay, so this land of UNEMPLOYMENT, it is a rough terrain. Rocky. Large cliffs around the bend at times. The rock does not reflect a lot of light. . .in other words, it can be hard to see the good at times. I have been practicing focusing on my blessings. . .I am experiencing a lot of joy in the fellowship of new friends who are willing to spend time praying for me and my family. I am relishing in my faith and the security that comes with knowing God is my provision. My husband, he seems to be having a very difficult time with this path and at times a very difficult time seeing the reality before us. His choices, where he decides to linger on the path and where he decides to try to climb, effect the whole family. His attitude affects us all as well. . .as does mine.

I want to find my way to a better place with as few scars, scratches, bruises, etc. as possible. I would like to be able to say that I haven’t caused any more for Charley, as well. Lord knows I have in the past. The question of the day is how? How do I watch this man that is my husband be idle ,in our times of need. How do I understand why he isn’t being more thankful and appreciative that I have obtained employment for the first time in 3 years, even though I have a very debilitating health condition. (oh, wait, he doesn’t really even recognize that I have this chronic condition. . .so that explains that) My feelings of being unappreciated get in the way here. And his pride tends to rear its ugly head as well.

I know this post is a bit of a drag, I am complaining after all. I mean, we have been here before, why must we be challenged with this again? Why must I sit by and watch my husband’s character decline? Why must I sit and watch as my children’s hopes for family time and play time with their daddy are crushed, stomped on by my husband’s lack of interest or motivation? Oh poor pitiful me!

I think this is one of those times where I might be really close to making some big and important changes, but my own selfishness is standing in the way. I have to be willing to put my feelings and emotions aside and bite my tongue, and just try to provide those things for my children as best as I can. I am just so tired. . .and sad. . .I want my husband back. I want the really nice guy that cared about me back. So much for wants.

I need to focus on the Lord and serving Him. I need to remember that with God nothing is impossible, and although this “terrain” is familiar, it is also new, different, and being handled in a different kind of way; with faith, prayer, and hope.