A Voice to Our Pain

I feel utterly blessed and in utter disgust all at the same time right now. I have come to make the acquaintance of a beautiful woman who has eloquently put into words an issue that is of the utmost importance and needs to be given mandatory attention in the medical community. The blessing is in the acquaintance and the eloquence, the disgust is from the issue that affects me all too personally.

The issue is Chronic Pain and the ignorance of caregivers in regard to the severity of its consequences and the need for proper treatment. My new friend has shared her frustration and a story related to this issue in the following link: http://community.wegohealth.com/profiles/blog/show?id=2028394%3ABlogPost%3A30396. Please read this. Please pass this on.

The main focus of the issue at hand is how chronic pain is often disregarded at hospitals, by physicians, by caregivers, family members, etc. This leads to complete alienation of the person experiencing pain and in all too many cases, death. As a chronic pain sufferer, and as a survivor of a past suicide attempt, this hits home, this hits right here at my home, and it might hit yours, too. I am making a decision in this moment to become more active in the fight to gain respect for chronic pain sufferers in our communities. I am making a decision right now to help advocate for people like myself who do not need to be told that it “is all in your head” but need real and true pain relief as well as help finding out the cause of the pain. I am deciding today to do whatever I can to help fellow sufferers from becoming victims of their pain to the point that they, like I once did, want to end their very own lives. It is intolerable to allow our medical community to dismiss patients because they “could be” a drug seeker. It is against the Hippocratic Oath.

I want to thank Ellen for her writing and for the link to a story written by a young woman named Carla, who at the age of 29, recently succeeded in taking her own life because no one paid attention to her pain. We must find a way to help those suffering and we need to come together in order to do this.

Please read the story that I linked here, please read the story linked in Ellen’s blog post to Carla’s story, and please share this message!

God bless.

Tiara is Gone

This is an old blog post that was on my myspace blog. I think it is funny, so thought I would share.

I think there must be some specific moments in everyone’s life that we would call, well, “defining moments”. Today I had a very long one of those. I never imagined that I would be in the predicament I was in today. . .
My husband, who is the “guy who uses the plunger most”, in our house, was out of town today. I began to notice early in the day that the toilet was acting a little funny, kind of slow. I crossed my fingers that all would be well and I even pulled out the plunger and gave it a few jabs to see if something magical would happen. I mean, let’s face it, the beautifully manicured nails are gone (gave those up in an effort to save money), not a trace of make-up on my face today, wearing a ball cap (although it did have some pretty sparkly rhinestones on it), and I guess I was just in a moment where I better give it a try. Nothing happened.
Okay the day goes by. Errands, gardening, picking up kids, etc. and a potty break for mommy (that’s me!) comes around. This time, when I went to flush, it didn’t stop filling up. The water just kep rising out of the toilet bowl. Overflowing water with my pee in it!!!!! Yep, I know this is gross. So I am kind of panicking, not sure what to do. I grab every towl I can find and throw it down. Within seconds the kids start yelling from the basement and running upstairs. Jacob is completely freaked out and Isabel is just trying to figure out what is going on. Water seems to have been falling from “the sky” down into the laundry room in the basement. After I reassure them that all is well, I get to be the clean up crew.
Yep, I had the privilage of cleaning up a lot of toilet water. After I cleaned up the toilet water with towels, next I used the shop vac to clean the bathroom floor. Then, I got out the Swiffer Wet Jet and cleaned the floor. Amidst the chaos, the new puppy decided to raid the cat’s litter box and found herself a rather large piece of cat poop coated in kitty litter that she thought was a fabulous treat. I tried my very best to pry that puppy’s jaws open and to get her to release that big piece of cat poop, but she hung on with all the power that her puppy jaws have. I was defeated. I was only given a few morsels of cat poop to clean up as I watched the puppy that loves to give me kisses eat the cat’s poop!
Now, back to the bathroom I went. I was sweating at this point. I might as well clean the toilet, etc while I was cleaning in there. It was then that I stopped, took a moment, and realized, that even though I have changed a very large amount of diapers, be it poopy or wet, that this was gross. This was all really, truly gross.
My tiara, if I ever had one, is gone. No sign of it returning either.
The diaper days may soon end, but I am certain, I will never be royalty.

Where am I?

These last few weeks I have felt as if I am living the life of a stranger. My days are now sometimes completely taken over by a new job. Other days are filled with mandatory rest, recovering from the new job. The transition from Summer to Fall has taken place and Isabel is in school, Jacob now is preschool. I am having to rely a whole lot more on others to care for my children while I am at work, or soon, as I am sleeping after getting home from working the night shift. When I am at work, I am a stranger. No one really knows me, nor I them. I wear a uniform to identify my position, (the color of my scrubs) but other than that I am an alien in foreign territory. I have been training on one unit, but I will be working on another. My husband isn’t even the same man, figuratively speaking. Due to the events of the last couple of years, stress, etc. his demeanor and physical appearance has changed dramatically.

Where am I? Who’s life is this? I live each day wondering if we have food for the next meal, if not, do we have enough money for the next meal or for the next day? So much for even worrying about the mortgage or the car payments, just make sure I can feed the kids! I can’t even focus on those bigger things, I just have to let them go and let God take care of that right now. It is so surreal.

As a child or young adult you never imagine what life will be like if your husband is without work for months. . .you never imagine what life will be like if you are chronically ill. You never imagine what it will look like if you lose your home because you cannot afford it. Hopefully, I am carrying myself with some measure of grace. I pray that I am able to keep that composure. But I look around me, the home that I am in, the company that I keep (or lack there of most of the time) and I am just wondering “where the heck am I?”. This is so not what I had in mind!

I am blessed and grateful. If you know me, you know that is true. I have two beautiful children. We currently have a home and our two cars to get us from point A to point B. We currently have clothes to wear. (Let’s ignore the fact that I just charged some fall/winter clothes for the kids b/c we don’t have the cash for it) We are not malnourished. God has taken good care of us and I know He will continue to do so.

But, do you know that feeling when you have been sleeping hard and dreaming hard, and you wake up suddenly not sure of which level of consciousness is reality? You are still kind of stuck in a dream and you are half-way awake, just not quite sure what is real and what isn’t yet? That is how I feel right now, and way too often. Problem is, I am not half-awake or half-sleeping. I am wide awake and the picture is kind of fuzzy.

I kind of hope that I will get beyond this time in my life and look back on it like it was a dream, something that I will be able to put out of my mind. I am certain there are some important lessons to be learned and taken from this experience. I pray that God will give me the wisdom to discern those things and apply them in the future. I don’t want to go through a similar experience because I didn’t learn what I was supposed to the first time! But maybe as I drift off to sleep the next time, maybe I will wake up to a clearer picture. And maybe, just maybe, that picture will be pretty.


Okay, my gosh, I has been a whole month again and I have not posted here. I am afraid I am very scattered. I go from working a couple of days, to devoting my time to recuperating from work, then to trying to catch up with all of the things around the house that have fallen behind because I was working and recuperating. It is an endless, vicious cycle.

I don’t know what to do with this blog now. I am afraid of being blunt force honest anymore. I am kind of afraid of who I am right now. The title of this blog is so appropriate, because everything feels foreign. In fact, it would be nice if I could be in a foreign place right now. It would be lonely, really lonely, especially without my children. But I am lonely right now, too. I am so seriously tired too. I am tired of myself. I am tired of the pace of things. I am so very tired, not sleepy tired, frustrated tired.

I long to feel the simple joys of life on a regular basis. I can’t seem to get a handle on much of anything these days. I want to use bad words and scream. Then I would like to drink too many adult beverages, turn on some good and loud music, and conjure up some kind of philosophical conversation with a good friend. Well, that would be bad, because it would probably lead to an emotional revelation of some kind and then having had those few adult beverages I would start crying and then it would not be fun at all anymore.

I never promised any kind of wisdom to come from my writing here (did I?) , and I know there is absolutely none in this post! So, what you would learn from this post is that I am in a pickle. We’ll see if I find my way back soon.