Where am I?

These last few weeks I have felt as if I am living the life of a stranger. My days are now sometimes completely taken over by a new job. Other days are filled with mandatory rest, recovering from the new job. The transition from Summer to Fall has taken place and Isabel is in school, Jacob now is preschool. I am having to rely a whole lot more on others to care for my children while I am at work, or soon, as I am sleeping after getting home from working the night shift. When I am at work, I am a stranger. No one really knows me, nor I them. I wear a uniform to identify my position, (the color of my scrubs) but other than that I am an alien in foreign territory. I have been training on one unit, but I will be working on another. My husband isn’t even the same man, figuratively speaking. Due to the events of the last couple of years, stress, etc. his demeanor and physical appearance has changed dramatically.

Where am I? Who’s life is this? I live each day wondering if we have food for the next meal, if not, do we have enough money for the next meal or for the next day? So much for even worrying about the mortgage or the car payments, just make sure I can feed the kids! I can’t even focus on those bigger things, I just have to let them go and let God take care of that right now. It is so surreal.

As a child or young adult you never imagine what life will be like if your husband is without work for months. . .you never imagine what life will be like if you are chronically ill. You never imagine what it will look like if you lose your home because you cannot afford it. Hopefully, I am carrying myself with some measure of grace. I pray that I am able to keep that composure. But I look around me, the home that I am in, the company that I keep (or lack there of most of the time) and I am just wondering “where the heck am I?”. This is so not what I had in mind!

I am blessed and grateful. If you know me, you know that is true. I have two beautiful children. We currently have a home and our two cars to get us from point A to point B. We currently have clothes to wear. (Let’s ignore the fact that I just charged some fall/winter clothes for the kids b/c we don’t have the cash for it) We are not malnourished. God has taken good care of us and I know He will continue to do so.

But, do you know that feeling when you have been sleeping hard and dreaming hard, and you wake up suddenly not sure of which level of consciousness is reality? You are still kind of stuck in a dream and you are half-way awake, just not quite sure what is real and what isn’t yet? That is how I feel right now, and way too often. Problem is, I am not half-awake or half-sleeping. I am wide awake and the picture is kind of fuzzy.

I kind of hope that I will get beyond this time in my life and look back on it like it was a dream, something that I will be able to put out of my mind. I am certain there are some important lessons to be learned and taken from this experience. I pray that God will give me the wisdom to discern those things and apply them in the future. I don’t want to go through a similar experience because I didn’t learn what I was supposed to the first time! But maybe as I drift off to sleep the next time, maybe I will wake up to a clearer picture. And maybe, just maybe, that picture will be pretty.

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