Where Do I Begin?

My troubles seem to have begun before I was even born . . . I am sure there are many who can relate. A special challenge for me just growing up in my home, but the real physical pain and symptoms did not begin until I was 30. We believe that it was my pregnancy with my second child that sent my body into some kind of pattern of pain. The reality is that I am no stranger to pain of the emotional kind either. I have so often felt as if no one understands me. I take great comfort, when I remember to, in the fact that God gets me! This is a common feeling I believe for people who are suffering from chronic pain, illness or emotional/mental problems. It is so comforting to meet others who can relate. But when you get off of your computer, or off of the phone, or the lunch date is over, you are back to being alone in your suffering, to some degree. This is where I don’t know where to begin. The picture is so cloudy. The circumstances are so complex. It feels, at times, as if it is completely impossible to get better. Wow, this is a depressing post. It must be really depressing because I am in a foul mood and I still can tell it is. You know, the truth of the matter is, we all feel like poop sometimes. We all feel down and want to tell someone about it. No one wants to complain too much, but we have to take it somewhere. This blog is being written with the intention or hope of helping someone somewhere somehow over time, but it is also about helping myself. Maybe there is a person who will be inspired by what I have gone through, am going through, etc and that alone will be enough. I think I need to accept that there are going to be times when I am dishing out some dirty stuff and that is part of my process. I think I need to state that, too, and apologize in advance! Things are particularly dark in my mind at times today. . . I feel the grip of depression, fear, and hopelessness inside me. It is such a heavy feeling. I am amazed at how quickly it’s sticky fingers wrap around my heart and stomach, when hours prior I felt joy and hope. I will admit that I have made my fair share of mistakes and I have a somewhat “checkered” past of sorts. I do believe that I am forgiven for the wrongs I have done and I am made new by my Savior Jesus Christ. It is my mind that has not let go. It is the imprint left by years of emotional neglect and trauma in my home, to my body, and to my spirit that creates an easy avenue for the thoughts of self-doubt and fear to flow too freely. So Today, where do I begin? Each day is a new beginning. Each day is a new opportunity. I need to put up a roadblock for those thoughts and emotions that trigger the pain. I believe the roadblock that I need comes from God. I believe it is held within His Word. That is where I will begin today, and probably tomorrow, too.

written 7.23.08

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