Where Do I Begin?

I am in the middle of something. I am in a crisis moment. You know those times in your life where either everything is going to fall apart or everything is going to get better? Maybe you don’t know, but chances are that if you are reading this  then you have experienced something like that or something that has felt like that before.

These kinds of crisis moments happen more than once in our life, I think. It is what pushes us to change. As my brother put it to me last night, either there is so much friction in your life that you are uncomfortable enough to make the changes you need to make, or you continue to live in your uncomfortable way until you give up and throw in the cards on whatever it is that is challenging you.

Life is challenging me right now. Maybe God is challenging me. I have this history, this past garbage that needs to be disposed of, and it is weighing me down. Did God give it to me so that one day I could learn how to release it and feel the release and freedom that comes from letting go? Or maybe God didn’t give it to me at all, but He gave me the inner strength to be able to let go of it so that I can move forward in my life? Either way, I’m sure God is in this matter somewhere. I know He is with me. But still, change must happen if I am going to find real peace in my life.

There are so many ways to go about this: is the key in acceptance, forgiveness, revisiting all of my past traumas, writing, praying, seminars, or maybe all of the answers are in a fruit juice with some new and special blend of anti-oxidants? Seriously, I am calling out to God, to anyone who listen right now, and asking, “Where do I begin?”.

@#$%!

Yep, I’m kind of frustrated, sad and angry that the truth of the  matter is I am still a mess, or at least things aren’t working well for me. I know, just yesterday I wrote a post about seeing the beauty in life, and I fully believe in the words I wrote. I believe in choosing to see beauty and actively seeking it. But, still, my world is in crisis here. I need help.

It’s a good thing I am not ending the post there, because I know some of you reading this would be really worried about that. (Yes, I know who you are, too, and I love you!)

I am going to take a big leap of faith here in a couple of weeks. I signed up today to go on a journey called, “Breakthrough”.  It is a series of intense workshops beginning in May. I am going at the urging of my brother who is about half-way through his “Breakthrough” journey. My brother has never asked me to do anything. My brother has never really shared much of anything with me, and he has asked me to trust him and to do this. So, I am.

I am at that point. That point where you are so tired of living the way that you live that you will try just about anything to make it different. I am scared. I am afraid that it won’t “work”. But, I am going to give it everything I’ve got. I have to. I need to live the beautiful life that is calling to me.

I will share with you what I learn about this process I am going to go through and what I learn about myself as I go through it. I am glad I have someone to share it with. I thank God for that. I thank God that I am not alone. Please hold me in your hope as I hold on to mine.

Bless you.

6 thoughts on “Where Do I Begin?

  1. Thank you for sharing! I have been in that spot several times (some more heart breaking and emotionally crippling than others). To be honest, I may be there again now (I know I’m heading in that direction). I agree with your brother: either we are willing to change or would rather bear the pain until it is unbearable. I’m sorry you hurt so bad. I don’t believe God gave you the trauma or drama, but do believe through Christ He has given you the strength to trust Him in this process (not do it yourself, as many misinterpret Phil. 4:8 to be). It sounds like Breakthrough (though I’m not entirely sure what it is) is exactly what you need. I pray it is a breath of fresh air for you and refreshing to your soul. It sounds as though that is exactly what it has been for your brother! Blessings!

    • Thank you so very much for your encouragement and friendship. I think that I am just on the verge of real change, it is just in the getting there that is difficult. The process can be so hard. . . But yes, I will continue to trust in Christ for His strength that He has put in me! I may have to remind myself of it moment to moment at times, but I will keep clinging to the cross, and hold on to the hope that this next step is the right thing.

  2. When I have been at such a place, I am paralyzed by indecision that results from being overwhelmed. It sounds like this program may truly be the breakthrough you need.

    In the meantime, you have day-to-day living you will need to muddle through while you work on the bigger picture. For me, a list was essential to keep me focused on one task at a time during crisis periods. If not for the list, I would distract myself with concern about other tasks, and several things would get started, but I would complete nothing. I don’t know if you are experiencing this sort of “brain flight,” but if so, maybe you could try this method for a day. Make a very detailed list. Don’t worry about the order of tasks and don’t allow yourself to skip over anything or do two things at once. I think it matters less where you start than that you start.

    I’m anxious to hear about Breakthrough. I hope you’ll keep us posted!

    • Thank you for the important reminder of ways to snap out of that paralysis! I will keep you posted, as the time draws near and as I learn more about what is in store for me. Also, will keep looking for and trying to live a beautiful life in the midst of it all!
      Thank you for your comment so very much!

  3. I wish I could go do that along side you,Amy. Sounds like what all too many of us need. So many are just too wounded and fearful to seek out this kind of healing. I am proud of you for being willing to do it. God is directing you, dear friend. I am praying that Charley will see the PROFIT in doing this with you. Together this could be life changing – bringing the two of you together in ways neither of you could imagine today. Maybe after you do it he will see such a change that he will feel drawn to it on his own. I know if it is God’s will He can give Charley the desire to do it and provide the means for you both to heal – spirit, soul, and body! He loves you dear one. I am excited for you. And I’ll be here for you if you need me.
    Much Love,
    Kimberly

    • Dear Kimberly,
      I am so blessed to have your friendship and to know that you truly are here for me if I do need you. I treasure your friendship and presence in my life so very much. Thank you for your prayers, as always!
      With great love,
      Amy

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