I am going through a slow and painful process of losing things. Many of these things are possessions, tangible items, and many of them abstract, but all of them are painful to let go of to some degree. I suppose life is a series of losses and gains, an exchange of death and rebirth, and of obtaining and letting go. As a friend of mine, Kimberly, has said in reference to letting go of things we don’t want to let go off, “you can see my nail marks all over that one“, as sometimes in life things are pulled from our grasp or we are literally forced to let go of them.
There is a big difference I suppose between letting go of something and feeling as if we are losing it. Right now, I feel as if I am losing things left and right, not so much letting go. Letting go is really the healthier of options, but as time and circumstance force these things out of my grasp, it is too fast of a process to let go, it feels as if all is simply falling through my fingers.
This afternoon my husband took my wedding band to a jeweler nearby to sell it for cash to buy groceries and medicine that I need. Please don’t pity me, there are plenty others in far worse circumstance than mine, but selling my wedding band just sort of tells you how dire our circumstances are at the moment. The hardest part, is not so much in letting go of the jewelry, but in what it represents to me as far as what I am losing right now.
As I sometimes feel I am losing my health and my mind, I am also facing the loss of my home, heirloom jewelry and antiques, many other pieces of jewelry with no particular or describable sentimental value, now my wedding band, and possibly my marriage. If I lose my marriage, I lose my “family” along with so many hopes and dreams for myself and my children. In this losing process, it is hard not to lose all hope.
I have been questioned greatly as to why I haven’t stomped my feet and demanded that my husband get another job or give up his current business venture that he has all of his dreams wrapped up in. I have wanted to, really. I want to scream and tell him that if he would just give up his pride and realize this isn’t working for us, we might be able to save some of these things that we are losing. But how can I tell this man, who is so hurt and angry, from multiple lay-offs and misfortune, that he is about to lose everything, without becoming one of the “others”, the other people who are not supporting him and his decisions? It really is neither here nor there, for he sees me as the enemy anyway, but my heart is breaking as I am leaving my nail marks across the hopes and dreams I’ve had for our family and marriage.
The losses just keep adding up. It triggers so many memories and reminds me of all I have lost in the past. It is ripping me up inside, I can feel it. Even in the parts that are scarred over, the ones that are tough and I thought could not be broken through, even there I feel the wounds ripping open again.
Here is where I choose, I choose my priorities and I choose to act in a way that I will not regret. My husband is worthy of praise for many good things, he is a good, but right now a broken man. So, I try, each and every day to love him. I also choose to ask for forgiveness when the anger or the pain seems to push a remark or statement out of my mouth that would have been better left unsaid. I choose to let God be the one to dry my tears, although I wish it were my husband. I choose to do my best to breath out anger and breath in peace. I have to choose to let go, instead of gripping on to things too tight. I choose to push the thoughts of leaving out of my mind, for I can not lose my integrity.
In all of this, I am certainly not blameless. I am far from perfect. But I must choose to better myself. I must choose to hold on to God’s promises and I must also let go of the “things” that just don’t matter. What good is my wedding band if I have no marriage? What good are the heirlooms if I have no home to store them in? What good am I, if I lose myself?
I just won’t let go of that.
“Jesus said to them, Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” Luke 12:15 (NIV)