The sun was shining today, and there were moments where I felt it shining right on me. I felt as if God was whispering, “I am with you. See Amy, you don’t ever have to doubt me.”
I would be lying if I said that I don’t have times of doubt. I face depression, chronic pain, a struggling marriage and very stressful financial issues at the moment. Who wouldn’t begin to wonder, right?
Last Friday night I went in to see our counselor completely ready to wave a flag of defeat. I don’t want to even think for a moment that my marriage is over, but last Friday night, I didn’t think it was possible in even the most remote way that we would be able to get past the hurt and anger in our relationship.
I can’t imagine the pain my husband has experienced being married to me. I am certain that being the spouse of a person who is clinically depressed, suffers from anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and fibromyalgia is diffiuclt, to say the least. Add to that list our financial matters due to lay-offs and misfortune, and we have a recipe for trouble.
The hurts that I have experienced in our marriage are probably more like surface wounds that have opened up hurts from the past, making the process of “getting along” that much more difficult. So needless to say, we have our challenges set before us.
There are nights I kneel down and pray, tears streaming down my cheeks, begging God to stop the pain and heartache. But today, with the rays of sunshine warming my cheeks, I just knew that things were okay. No one ever wants to say that their life is just “okay”, but compared to what we have been through, okay is really good.
Mediocrity is in the eye of the beholder. I see nothing mediocre about having two beautiful children who laugh and smile, who act silly and play with the energy only children seem to have. There is nothing mediocre about having a spouse to cuddle up with. There have been so many nights that I have experienced a back towards me rather than an open embrace, that having him to snuggle up next to is far better than mediocrity. . . it is wonderful and heartwarming and so comforting to know that we are still in this thing, together. There is nothing mediocre about being able to take my kids to the park to play today. So many days I feel unable to muster the energy to get out of my pajamas, that a trip to the park is a treat. And there is most definitely nothing mediocre about the feeling of the warm sun on your skin, heating up your insides and filling your soul with happiness.
Much more happened today in addition to the moment where I felt the sun shine, but for me, that moment was it. It was a big but quiet reminder that God is with me and everything is simply going to be alright.