Moment in the Sun

The sun was shining today, and there were moments where I felt it shining right on me. I felt as if God was whispering, “I am with you. See Amy, you don’t ever have to doubt me.”

I would be lying if I said that I don’t have times of doubt. I face depression, chronic pain, a struggling marriage and very stressful financial issues at the moment. Who wouldn’t begin to wonder, right?

Last Friday night I went in to see our counselor completely ready to wave a flag of defeat. I don’t want to even think for a moment that my marriage is over, but last Friday night, I didn’t think it was possible in even the most remote way that we would be able to get past the hurt and anger in our relationship.

I can’t imagine the pain my husband has experienced being married to me. I am certain that being the spouse of a person who is clinically depressed, suffers from anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and fibromyalgia is diffiuclt, to say the least. Add to that list our financial matters due to lay-offs and misfortune, and we have a recipe for trouble.

The hurts that I have experienced in our marriage are probably more like surface wounds that have opened up hurts from the past, making the process of “getting along” that much more difficult. So needless to say, we have our challenges set before us.

There are nights I kneel down and pray, tears streaming down my cheeks, begging God to stop the pain and heartache. But today, with the rays of sunshine warming my cheeks, I just knew that things were okay. No one ever wants to say that their life is just “okay”, but compared to what we have been through, okay is really good.

Mediocrity is in the eye of the beholder. I see nothing mediocre about having two beautiful children who laugh and smile, who act silly and play with the energy only children seem to have. There is nothing mediocre about having a spouse to cuddle up with. There have been so many nights that I have experienced a back towards me rather than an open embrace, that having him to snuggle up next to is far better than mediocrity. . . it is wonderful and heartwarming and so comforting to know that we are still in this thing, together. There is nothing mediocre about being able to take my kids to the park to play today. So many days I feel unable to muster the energy to get out of my pajamas, that a trip to the park is a treat. And there is most definitely nothing mediocre about the feeling of the warm sun on your skin, heating up your insides and filling your soul with happiness.

Much more happened today in addition to the moment where I felt the sun shine, but for me, that moment was it. It was a big but quiet reminder that God is with me and everything is simply going to be alright.

One thought on “Moment in the Sun

  1. Feelings shared are pains halved, when it seems like the darkest of times (and we have all had them) I remember that time changes every situation. That isn’t always for the better, but nothing stays the same as it was yesterday. Tomorrow may bring with it other worries anxieties and hurdles or it may bring that ray of sunshine. Never give up on tomorrow, never give up on the one person who can make a difference to your day. That one person is you and you alone.
    From my book Amy

    Acknowledgements and Gratitude
    With foresight, I thank and acknowledge you in life’s future. With you there can be success and a happy ending. You are the single most important person in the script of history yet to be written. The credit will be yours. Theodore Roosevelt wrote:
    It is not the critic who counts;
    nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled;
    or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

    The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena;
    whose faces are marred by dust and sweat and blood;
    who strive valiantly;
    who err and fall short again and again;
    who know the great enthusiasms;
    the great devotions;
    and spend themselves in a worthy cause;
    who at the best know in the end the triumph of high achievement;
    and who at worst, if they fail,
    at least fail while daring greatly;
    so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls
    who know neither victory nor defeat.

    Bob Williamson – Your Friend
    Greenhouse Neutral Foundation

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