There is a pain tonight, right in the center of my chest.
Feeling apprehensive, wondering where to turn, so I turn inward and also look to God. This is truly such a hard time. . .
No one ever really knows what the next day will bring, so it is of the utmost importance to live in the moment. Even with this awareness and knowledge, I can feel so many moments passing me by, just wasted time. Almost as if I could take this part of my life and wad it up into a crumpled piece of paper, and swoosh, into the trash can it goes. It is hard for me to even see that things are going to improve any time soon.
I want desperately to make things better in my life. I am seeking positives, I am looking for new opportunities, I am desperately trying to “look on the bright side”. And it still hurts. It hurts so badly inside to feel desperate and so unsure. It hurts right in the center of my chest.
I could, and probably will later, get down on my knees and beg and plead for the Lord to change my circumstances. But I know that it is more than that. There is something in me that is stretching, growing, and maybe even breaking down. Where do I turn tonight in my pain? I truly feel as if I have no where to turn as if maybe I should run and keep on running.
Have you ever felt that alone? Have you ever felt as if not one single person on the planet could understand your pain? I don’t even truly get it. It is beyond me. Why must life hurt like this? Even with my faith, even knowing that a day will come when it will be better, it is still hurting so deeply at this moment, right in the center of my chest.
I am completely helpless in my circumstance. I must lift my hands up to the heavens and release my worries to God, but how do I really, truly do that? I ask, I wait, I wait, and I ask. But it still hurts, and you guessed it, right in the center of my chest.
Moments like these are when the thoughts creep back in. “You’re worthless.” “Your family would be better off without you.” “Nothing is ever going to be better.” “You won’t ever amount to anything.” They’re screaming at me and begging me to believe them. I take a deep breath and I push the thoughts out with my exhale. I quiet my mind with my breath and the knowledge that someone knows me, even when I can’t sense Him, He is still there.
I long to know Him better. I long to be held by Him. For, no one here is holding me. I must breathe in His love and hold on to what I can not see. I must let the moment pass. And as I do, the pain right in the center of my chest may pass, too.