Breaking

(Before you read this you should know, I am struggling greatly right now emotionally and this is not an uplifting or inspirational piece of writing; this is just the truth of what I am feeling and experiencing right now, and I pray these feelings will pass quickly, but writing is part of my healing, so I share.)

My greatest desire in life, in general terms, is to help others. My point in writing this blog is to help others who experience chronic pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, has had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide in the past. Today, I am unsure if this post will be helpful, but I need to write and express what is going on with me, or I will be only allowing you to see what I want you to see, and that is not who I am.

If you have read previous posts you know that I am challenged still by many things and that I try to face those challenges as best as I can, with an attitude of gratitude and with a mindset of holding on to hope. Today, I am not feeling the hope.

Part of me wants to hide this, but the other part is screaming out for help and the desire to somehow dull the pain by sharing. About a week ago, I wrote a post titled “In the Center” and I shared a painful moment I was having. That pain is still there although it is moving around, not just stuck in the center of my chest anymore. I can feel it in my gut, in my throat, and in my heavy eyes as tears keep falling, against my will. I can feel it in my heart, my heart that is breaking.

I want you to know, if you are reading this, that I’m not throwing in my chips, or anything like that. So please don’t take that from this. Although, it is true, I have moments where I wonder how I can possibly endure one more minute feeling like this. . .

A reprocussion of growing up in a home as dysfunctional as mine, not having a solid relationship with God, and having experienced the traumas that I have experienced, is a feeling of worthlessness. I believe it can be found in studies even, that this is common. Add to it, the flawed thinking of a wounded young girl seeking love and attention at most every turn. Then you have poor choices in the teenage years and even into the adult years that carry with them a great sense of guilt and shame.

So here I am, having made it so far, but feeling as if I have been swallowed back up by the pit of despair. My heart feels as if it is breaking into tiny little pieces, or as if tiny pieces have been chipped off and broken up over time to the point that I now have a heart completely shattered.

I don’t have any single event or moment that I can say has plummeted me to feeling this way, that is the awful thing about depression when you deal with it chronically. It kind of sticks with you and waits to pounce on you in a weak moment. When life gets really hard. . .when you have been strong for as long as you can, you start breaking . . .and  it creeps in wrapping  its fingers around your spirit trying to squish all the life out of you.

I have shared before that I am in a marriage that is struggling. For 6 years we have endured so many worldly hardships. At least 3 or more job lay-offs, illnesses, moves to different states, and of coarse, now I know neither of us was healthy to begin with. I suppose if everyone waited until they were “perfect” to get married, no one ever would.

Up until the last 24 hours I have been fighting tooth and nail to keep this marriage together. Deep down, I don’t want it to end in divorce. I don’t want that for my children and I don’t want that for myself. But I feel so broken . . . so alone. . . so hopeless and unloved.

My faith in God is waivering as I have not experienced in 7 years or more. I am wondering why I must suffer any more . . . I am wondering where he is in this all as I have been trying to be a good soldier for Him. I have wanted to be a faithful follower of Christ and serve my family with love and loyalty. But at this very moment, I feel abandoned and it is hard to be faithful to Him.

I’m just being honest. You can call me a fair weathered Christian, or what have you, but I am just being real here. I don’t believe I will ever help anyone if I’m not real.

The only thing that I am holding onto right now is the hope that a miracle will happen. I am holding onto hope that this next weekend when I begin “Breakthrough” (the intensive therapy seminars I will be doing) I will find something more hopeful to hang on to.

What I really honestly desire, what I want more than anything, is for someone in the flesh to hold me and love me. I am breaking apart piece by piece as I am just aching for that touch of someone who really truly loves me and whom I can love back.

If it is Jesus that I need, I pray He will somehow come to me and let me feel his embrace, so I can know that I am not alone, so that I can know that love exists.

10 thoughts on “Breaking

  1. Thank you for tweeting about this – and for such an honest article!

    My 14 year old never ever was sick, had pain or anything until 2 years ago and it literally hasn’t stopped. I feel helpless to help her and the doctors “think” it is IBS. She has had every test we know of except to check her colon. She takes tylenol like candy and dreads eating. She is always in pain and people wonder why she isn’t always happy, perky bubbly etc.

    It is a constant struggle when you are down either physically or mentally.

    I do pray for my daughter often that when she is in the most pain that she will feel God’s grace wrapped around her.

    Just keep in mind – things don’t always go the way we want it to. Sometime the right thing isn’t easy – but we need to do it. Separation and divorce are hard on children – but I wouldn’t trade either of my step parent for the entire world.

    Take it day by day – hour by hour if you have to.

    Just remember – feelings come and go, but the things that are most important in your life will carry you through this rough journey.

    You are brave and courageous – so I have no doubts that you’ll make it. You’ll look back and your story will help encourage someone who is struggling.

    Keep your chin up and if you need a smile – dm me on twitter and say send a smile and I’ll be there

    • I truly appreciate you sharing and offering your support for me. I have found in the past that I have come out of the darkness, so I need to remember that, as I go through this time. I am so sorry for your daugter’s pain and I will pray for her relief.
      It is such an important reminder to take things hour by hour or minute by minute, if I need to.
      I do pray that I will be able to look back on this time as a time that I grew from and can use to help others.
      Thank you,
      Amy

  2. You’re not alone, and love does exist, and you are loved. That loneliness (which can exist even when you’re surrounded by people who are supposed to love you, and who you love) is so frightening; I’ve felt it off and on over the years.

    Don’t worry about being a “soldier for God.” Just ask God, as you would ask a friend whose love you can always rely on, to come a little closer and let you feel that love in a more tangible way–as if you’re asking for a long hug. Talk to God–not as the “Almighty Creator” or anything, but as a close friend who knows you better than anyone. Then try to relax, and just let yourself feel it. And, if you still can’t feel it, just know that it’s there.

    I’ve also found that it helps to just find ways to offer love to others who may feel that it’s lacking in their lives, too. It’s the best way to love God–just simple acts of kindness to those who need it. And the love and kindness always come back to you.

    Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help if you’re feeling that you’re tempted to hurt yourself, or if you just can’t function as you’d like to. Please do so if you need to and haven’t already–there’s nothing “weak” about it, and it’s an option that God has provided for you too.

    Please take good care of yourself, and love yourself as God loves you. I will pray for you.

    Please feel free to get in touch if you need someone to talk to (sometimes it’s easier to talk to a “stranger”, because you can just be yourself).

    Sara

    saradode.wordpress.com

  3. Wow, you are suffering! Here’s a question to consider: Can God undo and heal what has taken years to develop? YES, YES, YES!

    But you must throw yourself at His mercy. You and God can solve this. What has helped me in the past, when I didn’t trust anyone including God, anymore is, of course, the Bible, and particularly the Psalms and the New Testament.

    Jesus invites us to ask and He will answer, to seek and He will make sure that we will find, to knock on heaven’s door and He will make sure that it opens for us. – Matthew 7:7-8.

    The Psalm that REALLY helped me, and helps me to this day, is Psalm 91. I invite you to look it up, read it (at least three times) and see this as a personal letter to you from God, and start believing that God will help you through this RIGHT AWAY. Take this very personal and start trusting that God will bring YOU that miracle you need.

    God is as good as His word and He is faithful … but you have to believe it and trust Him.

    Also read Hebrews 11:6.

    Remember … the Lord will bless you and keep you!!!

    • What great reminders and how I thank you for the specific Bible verses to look up and read. I will do that. It means so much to me to know that others care, although I truly feel bad for concerning you, it is so appreciated to feel less alone. The prayers of others is a great gift, that I think compares to none, I appreciate very much all prayers on my behalf.
      Thank you,
      Amy

  4. I’m a new reader but wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m praying for you. I have been where you are in your mental health state and I know how scary it is. I know how badly I longed to have someone who loved me hold me at that exact moment … I know how badly it feels not to have someone physically there.

    Know though, that Jesus is there. He will never leave you nor forsake you. All of this pain is in His plan for you – and while all we see is little stuff now, his His bigger picture is going to be revealed to us one day and we’ll “get” why He had us where He has us.

    He will only bend you, never break you.

    Isaiah 54:10 :: “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

    I will continue to pray for you and please let me know if I can do anything more.

    • I am humbled by your care and concern and your comforting reminders that one day I will be in a place of understanding. Thank you so much Sarah. Thank you for your prayers most of all.

  5. My love for you is so deep for you Amy. I am soulfully praying in words that can not express that you will know this love of Christ to the very core and bring you peace and rest to your weary soul.

    I pray that You will learn to KNOW that Love of God which goes far deeper then feeling it. I pray that His love heals the emotional wounds that keeps you from fully recieving it. I pray that you will understand that you are the proof of God’s love and to stand in that truth of who you are in God, you were created in His beautiful image and not from the painful emotional wounds from your past.

    My heart deeply understands the ache you have as you know that i have experanced that depth of sorrow. I know how painful that place is, God sees you, knows you and cares even when you don’t feel it. Remember that Christ knows that depth, He walked on this world hated, rejected, unloved by this world from the moment of birth. He understands that kind of emotional sorrow and weeps with you.

    I am praying that you will be held in the arms of the one who can see you for who you really are, who takes you just as you are and loves you without seeing fault, which is so hard for you not to see. I pray that He holds and cradles the little girl inside of you who is wounded and looks upon you with eyes of grace and love.

    Hold on to these verses of God’s love for you, place your name within these words for these are your promises from Him.

    But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God to Amy, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness for her(Psalm 86:15)

    For I know the plans I have for you,Amy” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

    The LORD appeared to you Amy in your past hurts, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).

    The LORD your God is with you sweet Amy, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).

    God so loved You amy, that he gave his one and only Son, that you who believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

    As my Father in heaven has loved me, so have I loved you. Now Amy, remain in my love (John 15:9).

    Who shall separate you Amy from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

    No, in all these things you Amy are more than a conqueror through him who loves you. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate YOU from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35-39).

    This is how God showed his love for you Amy: He sent his one and only Son into the world that you might live through him. This is love: not that you loved God, but that he loved YOU and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for your sins without fault(1 John 4:9-10).

    I pray, Father, that out of your glorious riches you may strengthen AMY with power through your Spirit in her inner being, so that Christ may dwell in her heart through faith. And I pray that she, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of You Jesus, and so that she will know this love that surpasses knowledge–that AMy may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of you, God. Now to our God who is able to do immeasurably more than all she could ask or imagine, according to Your power that is at work within AMy, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. [Adapted from Ephesians 3:16-21]

    You are loved –
    Joy

  6. Always remember Amy that even when it seems your Lord is not listening to you right now. He is. But so are many others that care deeply for you. We are always here to lean on when you need an earthly shoulder.

    Much hope to you.

    Your friend Bob Williamson

  7. such a blessing to meet you this week via twitter!

    …it’s awesome what newness our Father creates with each moment…

    blessings bee yours!

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