(Before you read this you should know, I am struggling greatly right now emotionally and this is not an uplifting or inspirational piece of writing; this is just the truth of what I am feeling and experiencing right now, and I pray these feelings will pass quickly, but writing is part of my healing, so I share.)
My greatest desire in life, in general terms, is to help others. My point in writing this blog is to help others who experience chronic pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, has had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide in the past. Today, I am unsure if this post will be helpful, but I need to write and express what is going on with me, or I will be only allowing you to see what I want you to see, and that is not who I am.
If you have read previous posts you know that I am challenged still by many things and that I try to face those challenges as best as I can, with an attitude of gratitude and with a mindset of holding on to hope. Today, I am not feeling the hope.
Part of me wants to hide this, but the other part is screaming out for help and the desire to somehow dull the pain by sharing. About a week ago, I wrote a post titled “In the Center” and I shared a painful moment I was having. That pain is still there although it is moving around, not just stuck in the center of my chest anymore. I can feel it in my gut, in my throat, and in my heavy eyes as tears keep falling, against my will. I can feel it in my heart, my heart that is breaking.
I want you to know, if you are reading this, that I’m not throwing in my chips, or anything like that. So please don’t take that from this. Although, it is true, I have moments where I wonder how I can possibly endure one more minute feeling like this. . .
A reprocussion of growing up in a home as dysfunctional as mine, not having a solid relationship with God, and having experienced the traumas that I have experienced, is a feeling of worthlessness. I believe it can be found in studies even, that this is common. Add to it, the flawed thinking of a wounded young girl seeking love and attention at most every turn. Then you have poor choices in the teenage years and even into the adult years that carry with them a great sense of guilt and shame.
So here I am, having made it so far, but feeling as if I have been swallowed back up by the pit of despair. My heart feels as if it is breaking into tiny little pieces, or as if tiny pieces have been chipped off and broken up over time to the point that I now have a heart completely shattered.
I don’t have any single event or moment that I can say has plummeted me to feeling this way, that is the awful thing about depression when you deal with it chronically. It kind of sticks with you and waits to pounce on you in a weak moment. When life gets really hard. . .when you have been strong for as long as you can, you start breaking . . .and it creeps in wrapping its fingers around your spirit trying to squish all the life out of you.
I have shared before that I am in a marriage that is struggling. For 6 years we have endured so many worldly hardships. At least 3 or more job lay-offs, illnesses, moves to different states, and of coarse, now I know neither of us was healthy to begin with. I suppose if everyone waited until they were “perfect” to get married, no one ever would.
Up until the last 24 hours I have been fighting tooth and nail to keep this marriage together. Deep down, I don’t want it to end in divorce. I don’t want that for my children and I don’t want that for myself. But I feel so broken . . . so alone. . . so hopeless and unloved.
My faith in God is waivering as I have not experienced in 7 years or more. I am wondering why I must suffer any more . . . I am wondering where he is in this all as I have been trying to be a good soldier for Him. I have wanted to be a faithful follower of Christ and serve my family with love and loyalty. But at this very moment, I feel abandoned and it is hard to be faithful to Him.
I’m just being honest. You can call me a fair weathered Christian, or what have you, but I am just being real here. I don’t believe I will ever help anyone if I’m not real.
The only thing that I am holding onto right now is the hope that a miracle will happen. I am holding onto hope that this next weekend when I begin “Breakthrough” (the intensive therapy seminars I will be doing) I will find something more hopeful to hang on to.
What I really honestly desire, what I want more than anything, is for someone in the flesh to hold me and love me. I am breaking apart piece by piece as I am just aching for that touch of someone who really truly loves me and whom I can love back.
If it is Jesus that I need, I pray He will somehow come to me and let me feel his embrace, so I can know that I am not alone, so that I can know that love exists.