The journey of healing is not a smooth one, yet there are moments that can be soothing. There are also times where great anxiety can arise and facing the anxiety head on is the only way to go. Our pride can take a hit or two also, as we seek healing, realizing that we are part of our own problem, with habits or coping mechanisms that are no longer helpful but hurtful.
I experienced a little bit of all of the above this past weekend…
You may recall that I am an on an adventure called “BreakThrough” and this is a four part series of healing and spiritual growth. This past weekend was part 3 and the mixture of emotions I experienced was quite a blend.
I began the weekend with great anxiety, unsure of what was to come and feeling a lot of tension from my daily life as a heavy weight. As I sat down in the room with the familiar faces and kindred spirits that I had last seen a few weeks ago I slowly began to feel my body relax. My body temperature began to regulate itself, as I had been feeling uncomfortably hot from the anxiety, and my heart rate slowed to the point where I could no longer feel the quick pounding in my chest… and slowly it was like a silent relief filled “Ahhhh” came over me. What a delightful feeling to have that wave of comfort fill my body and my mind.
The safety of that room, because of the people in it and the care that goes into this process, was that of a newborn’s bassinette, as if the people were blankets of love surrounding me. I experienced anxiety and fear over the course of the weekend within this room, but because of the safety there, it was okay to work through it, talk about it, and overcome it. I find myself at home feeling more exposed, raw and missing my blankets. Making the transition from the sanctuary of the seminar to a less safe environment here at my house is not an easy one. I am on edge, tension in my neck and shoulders and a heaviness in my heart. How quickly my mood can change…
I am learning though, that there is a possibility of bringing that safety into my home and into my heart. I cannot recreate the environment of the seminar, but I can use the new tools I have been given. I can work to quickly change my perspective back to one of hope. I do have power within myself to make change.
I believe God has given me many gifts through these first 3 parts of the BreakThrough seminar, but it is up to me to use the gifts. One such tool is that I have been aware, on many occasions, of God’s real presence and involvement in this process, an enormous gift in and of itself. But if I forget those moments, if I let them escape me, then I lose the tool I have been given as proof of His love and care for me. Yes I said proof, because for me these moments have been proof of His involvement in my life. This proof makes Him more of a reality for me, even if it is just my truth and my reality, it brings me great comfort. A comfort I have never known before, and can all too easily forget if I don’t hold onto it.
Healing takes work and effort, it requires making use of the tools you are given… sometimes it takes great amounts of energy to put even a simple tool into use, especially when we are working against years and years of using the wrong tools to fix the problem or issue. In my case, when I feel down about life or myself, I go into a negative spiral, a storm of negative thoughts can start spinning out of control in my mind. In order to make it stop, I need to actively use the new tools I have been given and choose a different action or response. These tools feel extra heavy right now, weighted by lack of use and unfamiliarity. But I believe as I begin to use them and use them frequently, they will become lighter and easier to use. And I will be able to put the old tools on the shelf, and allow them to gather dust, until one day I can throw them out for good!