Revisiting the past, recalling the memories, it reminds me of how much growth has occurred. I was just listening to parts of an interview I did about 9 months ago. In this interview I recount the details of receiving the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia approximately 4 years ago as well as the darkest depression I sunk into as a result. I discuss details of my suicide attempt and share the need for suicide prevention.
It is odd to listen to yourself tell a story like that…it is eerie in ways.
I absorbed some of the gravity of the topic this time as I listened. Often times I detach as I talk about these things, otherwise I suppose it would be too painful. What I heard reminded me of the seriousness of the things I have dealt with, none more serious than what you may be struggling with, but seriously painful memories to me. Instead of feeling a need to run, or to avoid, I can embrace it. There is a danger in that, though, for I certainly do not want to find my identity solely through my pain. But I can embrace the person that has emerged from the darkness of my struggles.
After the darkness of depression, chronic pain, trauma, etc. I have emerged more whole, more accepting of the person that I am. It is possible that I might find myself battling some of these same issues tomorrow, but I am changed now. I have new armor, new weapons to go to battle with, and a new battle plan that I did not have before. I have a new courage within… oh wait… for a moment my mind tried to tell me that isn’t true…but it is! I am victorious over pain because I can choose to have a different experience.
Today I struggled. I physically felt sluggish and a little bit useless. Right now even I am working to keep myself focused on my worth, and to not focus on the fact that I have remained in my pj’s all day. So here is how it goes in my brain…”You are worthless, you accomplished nothing.” My response is: “That is a lie. The truth is: I am loved and valuable just for being me, it doesn’t matter what I do or what task I complete. I am loved simply because I am.”
I could have told myself these same lines a few months ago, but something happened in my life that made it possible to believe. I experienced true grace. I experienced what it feels like to rest in that place of knowing, that place of knowing that I am loved, no matter what. It was a moment in time like no other and a feeling of complete joy and peace. I will not let go of it, I will hold on and remember it well. I experienced this at BreakThrough. I know I have mentioned this previously, but I must share that I can only say these things I say today because of that experience. God blessed me greatly at BreakThrough, and although I am not paid or rewarded to endorse, I want to encourage you if you are in a dark place to consider this seminar series as a possibility for you. Connect with me, ask me about it, and I will share with you what I can.
It would be wrong of me to hide this gift that exists, it is the gift of grace and the freedom from shame. This gift is so magnificent that I encourage you to go after it with all means necessary! You deserve it, because you are.