New Armor

Revisiting the past, recalling the memories, it reminds me of how much growth has occurred. I was just listening to parts of an interview I did about 9 months ago. In this interview I recount the details of receiving the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia approximately 4 years ago as well as the darkest depression I sunk into as a result. I discuss details of my suicide attempt and share the need for suicide prevention.

It is odd to listen to yourself tell a story like that…it is eerie in ways.

I absorbed some of the gravity of the topic this time as I listened. Often times I detach as I talk about these things, otherwise I suppose it would be too painful. What I heard reminded me of the seriousness of the things I have dealt with, none more serious than what you may be struggling with, but seriously painful memories to me. Instead of feeling a need to run, or to avoid, I can embrace it. There is a danger in that, though, for I certainly do not want to find my identity solely through my pain. But I can embrace the person that has emerged from the darkness of my struggles.

After the darkness of depression, chronic pain, trauma, etc. I have emerged more whole, more accepting of the person that I am. It is possible that I might find myself battling some of these same issues tomorrow, but I am changed now. I have new armor, new weapons to go to battle with, and a new battle plan that I did not have before. I have a new courage within… oh wait… for a moment my mind tried to tell me that isn’t true…but it is! I am victorious over pain because I can choose to have a different experience.

Today I struggled. I physically felt sluggish and a little bit useless. Right now even I am working to keep myself focused on my worth, and to not focus on the fact that I have remained in my pj’s all day. So here is how it goes in my brain…”You are worthless, you accomplished nothing.” My response is: “That is a lie. The truth is: I am loved and valuable just for being me, it doesn’t matter what I do or what task I complete. I am loved simply because I am.”

I could have told myself these same lines a few months ago, but something happened in my life that made it possible to believe. I experienced true grace. I experienced what it feels like to rest in that place of knowing, that place of knowing that I am loved, no matter what. It was a moment in time like no other and a feeling of complete joy and peace. I will not let go of it, I will hold on and remember it well. I experienced this at BreakThrough. I know I have mentioned this previously, but I must share that I can only say these things I say today because of that experience. God blessed me greatly at BreakThrough, and although I am not paid or rewarded to endorse, I want to encourage you if you are in a dark place to consider this seminar series as a possibility for you. Connect with me, ask me about it, and I will share with you what I can.

It would be wrong of me to hide this gift that exists, it is the gift of grace and the freedom from shame. This gift is so magnificent that I encourage you to go after it with all means necessary! You deserve it, because you are.

4 thoughts on “New Armor

  1. wowow!! i just got totally IMMERSED in that writing of yours!! how did you do it? conquer fibromyalgia, feel free to email me sister!!

    ElaineRemains

  2. You are amazing! Just the way God has meant each one of us to be. Would the Lord make anything that is not amazing or perfect???

    Remember, each one of us is born because God has not lost faith in us as humanity, then who are we to lose faith in ourselves??

    You are a winner. You are an overcomer. And that is the truth:)

    Loads of Love,
    Mamta

  3. You are a life champion fully clad in new and shining armor. Like the sea with its ebbs and flows, you are a beauty to behold just “because you are”. You are precious and brave. You inspire life. You are a blessing to my and so many lives. I hope all this accolade doesn’t make you uncomfortable (because you are admirably humble), I just had to celebrate what God has done in your life, here.

    Love you, precious one.

    Geri

  4. I just found your blog and have only read today’s entry…too many tears to read further. I’ve had fibromyalgia for almost three years, following breast cancer. I’m anxious to read more of your journey, it really is a dark place, and I struggle daily to find the energy to “fight for my life”! Thank you for sharing…

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