Still Intact

I seem to be a little distracted lately, feeling like things are scattered and out of focus. But it took one good moment to bring things back  into great perspective for me tonight.

My husband sent me a text message tonight, a truly simple text message, updating me on his experience that he is in the midst of. I can’t begin to explain the immediate smile that was plastered across my face almost instantaneously as I read his message. If I was at liberty to share details, I would, but I have to be a little vague here… please forgive me.

His message was one of renewed faith and hope. It was a brief message but what it said to me was “I am in a new place.” And I know that place is really good! I realized a moment ago that I was feeling a pure and beautiful joy for my husband. This wasn’t about me, this was about me feeling immense happiness in knowing that he was feeling really good stuff. It brought tears to my eyes and put goosebumps all over my body!

My marriage has been strained, difficult, challenging, you know, in a really tough spot. And when things get so hard, sometimes I harden. My heart has often felt stone cold, like a big rock I could pick up and drop with a thud. I have been concerned with this, to say the least, wondering if I can soften again. Pain has that persistant hardening agent in it…it throws on layer upon layer over our hearts until we are smothered and unable to feel. It is painful in its own way when you reach this point and it is scary when you become aware of it happening.

When that smile hit my face tonight, I felt warm and happy. I felt love and kindness. I felt joy and hope. This might be just a momentary thing, but this is a moment I want to remember. I felt a tenderness towards my husband that I have not felt for some time and it felt so refreshing. I want to hang on to that! I can almost feel or sense a sparkle in my eyes… it isn’t because I am feeling romantic or passionate. It is because I see the possibility before me of healing and that is truly exciting. I think that can be a more lasting kind of excitement.

Have you experienced that kind of pain in a relationship where you feel a thick wall of division between you, even if only inches apart? Have you ever had your heart broken by someone, only to have it broken time and time again? Do you know that quiet sad place inside that you go to when you are no longer understood by the one person you thought would always know you? I do. I have. I experience it all of the time, and yet I am able to write this out, that the ice has been broken! The ice that has formed and frozen around my heart has cracked and I am thawing.

This isn’t even as much about my relationship and the hope that I can have for that… that remains to be seen. But this is about my ability to love… to know that I am not completely broken, that my heart is still able to operate in a loving way towards my husband, this gives me great relief! Whether it comes from healing that I am experiencing or from an inner part of me that just has not died…it really matters not. What matters is that it is still there, I am still intact!

I am truly thankful. (smile)

6 thoughts on “Still Intact

  1. Amy …

    However hardened & cold & isolated you may have felt – inside, your interactions with the rest of the world have demonstrated that you never lost the warmth & love & compassion that have so distinguished you. I share your joy in your rediscovery of your heart & relationship.

    May God shower His blessings upon you & your family.

    … Robin

  2. When you talk about “having your heart broken time and time again…”, my heart bleeds to read such words. You deserve the kind of love that inspires ballads and classic literature.

    You’re one of the most loving, giving people I’ve encountered. You deserve the same in return.

    It makes me smile to know your heart is warm and feeling “still intact.”

  3. 🙂 I am smiling for you. You are not done thawing. I look forward to more of your laughter. “We magnetize into our lives that which we hold in our thoughts.” Illusions. I’ll be listening 😉

    K

  4. I am so glad that your DH is “in a new place”. I understand the feelings you are talking about where there is a wall, a division. Ive been there for a good long time, waiting for the wall to come down. Im pretty sure its in MY heart though.

    • Dear Jen, as you probably figured out, that wall has been in my heart, too… I am just so pleased that it had not been cemented yet, ya know? I am blessed to have gone through a process recently, that my husband is in the midst of now, called BreakThrough, that has given me a whole new perspective on loving myself and others, too. Very hard to sum it up, but it has allowed be to realize so much about our choices and the little control we have over others. It has been so painful … but now I see how the pain in my husband’s life has caused him to harden, just like me. I decide what I am willing to subject myself to, but at the same time, I can understand better how he has become a person who makes the choices that he makes. I don’t know what is going to happen in our marriage, but I do believe that my walls can keep coming down no matter what…that brick by brick I can undo what I have built up. Sometimes the un-building process is very slow, but I believe eventually, my walls will come down completely. I pray it is while my marriage is still intact.
      Thank you for sharing this journey of life with me. Your heart is precious.

  5. I know that smothering place. It must be fought. Even though the cuts are covered, they remain. I’m happy for you and your husband and the potential that this news presents.

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