I seem to be a little distracted lately, feeling like things are scattered and out of focus. But it took one good moment to bring things back into great perspective for me tonight.
My husband sent me a text message tonight, a truly simple text message, updating me on his experience that he is in the midst of. I can’t begin to explain the immediate smile that was plastered across my face almost instantaneously as I read his message. If I was at liberty to share details, I would, but I have to be a little vague here… please forgive me.
His message was one of renewed faith and hope. It was a brief message but what it said to me was “I am in a new place.” And I know that place is really good! I realized a moment ago that I was feeling a pure and beautiful joy for my husband. This wasn’t about me, this was about me feeling immense happiness in knowing that he was feeling really good stuff. It brought tears to my eyes and put goosebumps all over my body!
My marriage has been strained, difficult, challenging, you know, in a really tough spot. And when things get so hard, sometimes I harden. My heart has often felt stone cold, like a big rock I could pick up and drop with a thud. I have been concerned with this, to say the least, wondering if I can soften again. Pain has that persistant hardening agent in it…it throws on layer upon layer over our hearts until we are smothered and unable to feel. It is painful in its own way when you reach this point and it is scary when you become aware of it happening.
When that smile hit my face tonight, I felt warm and happy. I felt love and kindness. I felt joy and hope. This might be just a momentary thing, but this is a moment I want to remember. I felt a tenderness towards my husband that I have not felt for some time and it felt so refreshing. I want to hang on to that! I can almost feel or sense a sparkle in my eyes… it isn’t because I am feeling romantic or passionate. It is because I see the possibility before me of healing and that is truly exciting. I think that can be a more lasting kind of excitement.
Have you experienced that kind of pain in a relationship where you feel a thick wall of division between you, even if only inches apart? Have you ever had your heart broken by someone, only to have it broken time and time again? Do you know that quiet sad place inside that you go to when you are no longer understood by the one person you thought would always know you? I do. I have. I experience it all of the time, and yet I am able to write this out, that the ice has been broken! The ice that has formed and frozen around my heart has cracked and I am thawing.
This isn’t even as much about my relationship and the hope that I can have for that… that remains to be seen. But this is about my ability to love… to know that I am not completely broken, that my heart is still able to operate in a loving way towards my husband, this gives me great relief! Whether it comes from healing that I am experiencing or from an inner part of me that just has not died…it really matters not. What matters is that it is still there, I am still intact!
I am truly thankful. (smile)