My First Award!

Not too long ago I made a comment, in passing, that I have yet to earn any awards for my blogging efforts. Truth be told, I don’t really think I deserve any awards for my blogging. My posts are pretty splotchy as far as consistency goes as I am kind of scattered about with my time and commitments. My family, my passions, and my part-time job keep me away from indulging in my writing as much as I would like. But, as I visit other blogs, all very good ones, I can’t help but admire the badges and awards posted proudly on their pretty spaces. It feels good to be recognized, doesn’t it?

Well, today I received an unexpected and most delightful gift, that certainly put a smile on my face. A fellow blogger and individual who also happens to live with chronic pain surprised me with the gift of The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award!

This is such an act of kindness on behalf of the giver, more so than I think they could even know! I am just joyful about it, it is such a warm fuzzy kind of feeling. So, it is with receiving this gift that I am also given the opportunity to share it with others. The rule goes that I must share 10 things about myself in this post and then spread the love with a handful of other bloggers, so here goes…

1. I am a hopeless romantic. You’d never guess it, because I frown upon most kinds of romance movies and the incurable disease of romanticism that they promote. I refuse to go see most… I think it is mean, to give our fragile minds the thought that movie romance actually exists, hmmpf! I don’t like sappy stuff so much, in regular life, but when it comes to poetry, art, or music… (oh wait, maybe flowers and jewelry, too) I am all sap. Romance has been infused, somewhere along the way, into my blood.

2. I can get along without (well, without name brands, etc)…I don’t need fancy stuff to be happy, but I secretly would LOVE to live extravagantly. I know, I know, it goes beyond all reason, it doesn’t even fit in well with my desire to be more aware of our environment and to live “green”, but it’s horribly true.

3. I can’t believe I am admitting this, but … I love the Jonas Brothers! Ha, I said it. I have followed the band with my 10 year old daughter, since they were just getting their start, and I just can’t help myself now. I think they are adorable and I truly do like a lot of their music. They get me pumped up and I have a great time listening to their music with my daughter.

4. I love my children with all of my heart, all of it. (This should be number one on the list!) They are so amazing and beautiful and just the most miraculous things to have come into my life. Because of them, I can find purpose when I feel that I have none. But, I often wonder if I am a good enough mom. It comes with the territory I guess…but I do sometimes wonder…

5. I am terrified of Statistics, as in the college course. I am approximately one semester shy of completing my Bachelor’s degree, but I have hesitated, in large part, to complete it because of this one coarse…”Psych 300: Psychological Statistics”. There have been other obstacles as well, but the biggest one between me and my degree is that one single course. It has held me at bay for 10 years now. I think it is getting close to time for me to face my fear, don’t you?

6. I am pretty introverted at this point in my life. Once I open up and get to know you…no longer an introvert. But I don’t like big groups, I much prefer one on one conversations and small gatherings. Large groups are very uncomfortable for me. I’m working on that.

7. If I could listen to live music (good music, of coarse) every single night of the week I would. That would really be the best thing ever!!!

8. I don’t like the cold. I want warmth. I want scenery. I want SUNSHINE.

9. I am afraid of never feeling “normal” again. I am afraid of failing at my goals to become more physically fit and to be well, to be free from fibromyalgia and mental health issues. I am afraid of my “flaws” haunting me forever… and I am afraid that I am my biggest obstacle.

10. I am a dreamer, I have some big (and some little) dreams inside my tender head, many of which I truly hope to realize. Dreams are good, so I will hold onto them.

And now the time to award the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award to other wonderful bloggers:

Marie @SpreadingJoy “Spreading Joy Corporation

Jamie @fightingdepression  “Fighting the Darkness”

Teia  @vinamist “Just Breathe

Kelvin @kelvinringold “Ramblings Lite” ( I hope he doesn’t mind being called a Sugar Doll, ‘cuz he sure is one, albeit a masculine one)

These are just a couple that I could come up with tonight, all special and unique. Every blog I seem to come across has something magnificent to offer and I am blessed abundantly by those who share through their writing. Please forgive me if I did not mention yours, because You deserve an award, too! =)

P.S. If I have picked your blog, please post the award on your blog and pay it forward, and then leave a comment on the person’s blog to let them know.  I hope this award will put a little sunshine in your day, as it did mine!

Shifting

I find it so wonderfully amazing how we all really do need each other. If we are left to ourselves, our own devices, our own thought processes for too long we get stuck. At least, this is what happens to me.

I am grateful beyond words for a shift that began in me in May of 2009 (BreakThrough) and it continues to be working in my life. I continue to fall and get back up as I adjust and open my eyes to the process. I am without words when I think of the gratitude that I have for my very own brother who urged me to begin this process and for his continued assistance along the way. I am blown away by the potential life has for me! (Did I really just say that?) I am very much still learning to awaken to the the possibilities, to my new life “living loved and loving life”.

You know what I am discovering? (with help)

I don’t have to live life defined by my pain.

It may seem simple. It may be a no-brainer to you, but this realization carries more weight than gold in it for me. I am beginning to understand that the way in which I identify with my pain and my diagnosis, although it gives me a great sense of belonging and also purpose in many ways,  is keeping me from embracing my true identity. My true sense of value and worth comes not from my challenges or my pain, but from just being me!

The questions that I am left with are “Who am I if I am not defined by my illnesses? Who am I if I am not someone living with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, ptsd, depression, anxiety, etc?” I may still be struggling with these challenges, but they are not who I am. These things are not where I need to seek out and find my value.

My value is intrinsic. My value is inherent. I am loved. I am lovable. I am valuable, just for being, as are you.

I am. You are. We are.

I feel things shifting.