I Just Want to Be Okay

I feel shattered. I feel broken all apart and as if my pieces are scattered around. Perhaps the pieces are scattered in mysterious places all over the world and it is going to be one torturous scavenger hunt to find them all and put me back together.

Like so many who battle mental health issues and living with chronic illness like fibromyalgia, I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. It feels like I may share frequently that things are tough, because they are… the last 5 + years of living with this diagnosis of fibromyalgia have been trying, at times horrific. Yet, I have had countless moments of joy and beauty in the midst of it all. If nothing else, I pray that my times of sharing the struggle only illuminate more brightly the beautiful moments I am able to share.

The image I have chosen for my new blog header is much like the image I started with when I first began blogging. It was another image of shattered glass. It was broken but still beautiful.  It reminded me of the broken beauty that I behold, that life holds within it’s palm even during the most difficult of times. This new header image is much like the first except this one is illuminated, it glows with a soft and tender light. I hope that I too will glow with that kind of light as the cracks, my broken pieces, are visible, yet lovely in their own right.

So here I am tonight, feeling emotionally smashed. While I am unsure of how I will put the pieces together, I am holding on to the knowledge that I will regain my composure. I just don’t know when. Please don’t misunderstand me… I look alright on the outside. I am still functioning, although not at optimum. Only my closest friends and those who really know me well are likely aware that I have come into this dark place. Those who know my circumstances, the challenges, and are able to understand life with chronic illness truly get it, and those numbers are few. (Additionally, know that I am seeking the help and support that I need to be healthy and safe.)

But I have to share with you… you need to be made aware when I reach my lows so that you can see me rise up again and know that you can do it too. When I stumble and scrape my knees, it’s okay for me to show you my bumps and bruises, my bloodied knees … because in time I will heal.

Today I heard this song for the first time (“Be OK”) and it speaks volumes to how I feel right now, but it also gives me hope and relief. Perhaps you will feel some of the same as you watch and listen.

23 thoughts on “I Just Want to Be Okay

  1. Oh hun I adore you and feel for you. It truly is so important to know we hit lows but reach highs. It gives hope. YOU give hope. I admire and appreciate your honesty always. Makes me feel ok when I share my struggles and lows. xoxo

  2. I don’t know about you, but I feel like it helps me hold myself accountable when I’m honest about how much I’m struggling.

    I hate that things have to be this difficult. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

    • Definitely an accountability factor in there…thank you Diana. We’re going to have to plan that lunch/dinner date soon. I know that will be good for my soul.

  3. Oh how I understand just wanting to make it back to ok.

    There’s another song that someone played for me during my last journey through the dark, it’s called “The Light” by Sara Bareilles. Now there’s a girl who gets it.

    xoxo

    • Thank you so much for sharing The Light with me and for commenting. Knowing others understand is such a comfort. Bittersweet though, as I wish no one else ever experienced the dark. But it does make the light much brighter when we see it. ❤

  4. Hi, thank you so much for being so open an honest about the way you fill . I just started receiving your updates on this blog a couple of weeks ago and it really helps to hear that there are others that have the same struggles and still able to keep going and pull out of the darkness.I also joined a support group that meets ever third Monday it this has also been a source of hope for me. I encourage everyone to attend a support group especially if they are like me an have know one else in there life that understands. I hope you can see the light soon and forever . Joe

    • Thank you Joe! And so good for you that you have begun to attend a support group. That is really super. I thank you for following my posts, reading and commenting. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone!

  5. Hi,
    I was blog hopping and I found your blog. And I’m really glad I did. I understand where you’re coming from, and what you’re saying. Sometimes you wonder if people are going through the same things as you, and when you realise that they are it helps, in a way, and that’s what you did for me. Thank you. Hang in there. Just keep going. Because the sun always follows the night. Good luck, and thank you once again 🙂

    • I’m so glad you found me, and thank you for your kind words and encouragement! Wishing the best for you as well. =) It brings a quiet comfort to me to know that others out there understand and can share that here.

  6. I had never heard that song either, but it really touched me. It spoke volumes to me about my own wishes, and hopes to be Okay. Thank you for sharing that with us.

  7. Thanks for your courage in sharing the lows and for your understanding that they are part of the cycle. Be gentle with yourself; the tide will turn.

  8. There is another song that really helps me through these dark times. I found a youtube video so I thought I’d share the link. It is called Beauty from Pain by Superchick. Hope it helps you, and others!

    Bernice

  9. […] who were also striving to be okay until I read a post by @Abeeliever of Una Vita Bella called I Just Want To Be Okay. I found it incredibly touching. In it she describes her desire to be okay, and the role her […]

  10. This was well written, thank you for sharing. I believe writing itself is one of the best medications around, because it allows you to vent, to understand yourself and to show/help others. Keep up the great work!

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