What If’s, Could Have Been’s and Only If’s

As I face this day and this difficult time in my life, I can’t help but reflect on how different things would be if I did not live with fibromyalgia, if I had not dealt with mental health challenges like severe depression. It’s not the kind of thinking that propels you forward, to dwell on the what if’s, what could have been’s and only if’s.  But it’s normal to go there. The problem lies if you stay stuck in it.

In an effort not to stay stuck in it, but to acknowledge that I am feeling it, I thought I would share.

I don’t know what the future holds, none of us really do, but my marriage is in dire straits. Without going in to too much detail, I just can’t help but wonder, if fibromyalgia had never touched my life, would things still be like this? If I had been able to “lick it”, to kick fibromyalgia to the curb on my own, perhaps my relationship would not have suffered the way it has… it’s just a guessing game, but it is one that I can’t help but play a little.

The demands of living with someone who has been mostly unable to work full-time and to participate in life full-time are tough. I don’t doubt for a moment that it has been a strenuous road for my spouse. While I have grown in these last couple of years, I have been able to see better beyond my boundaries and have learned to work past limits, surprising myself and those around me by what I am capable of and able to accomplish. I know that my future holds more surprises, too. As I work continuously towards better health and as I strengthen my confidence muscles, I am certain that more opportunities for independence and self-sufficiency will come my way. It is more a matter of thinking creatively, working creatively and living creatively than it is anything else, I am not limited by capabilities or learning potential or lack of ambition. Sometimes, though, it feels as if I am the only one able to see the possibilities, the only one that sees all of the good that I am made of underneath the mask of fibromyalgia and depression.

The grief of lost relationships, of changes in relationships, of lost livelihood, because of an illness is heavy. It is sometimes so heavy that it bares down hard, pushing out the breath and life that is left. But the freedom and relief from the burden comes from knowing that life is still full of good things. Lots of good things.

If my life had not been bothered by fibro or previous mental health crisis and struggles, perhaps I would just never know how good life truly can be. So, even though it has taken it’s toll (continues to do so some days more than others) and plays a part in the relationship difficulties I experience, it does not hold the power to be in charge of my life. I will not give it that.

I have the creative power to live a beautiful life no matter what my circumstances. And that is what I intend to do.

And now, I’m done with the what if’s, could have been’s, and only if”s, enough with that.

12 thoughts on “What If’s, Could Have Been’s and Only If’s

  1. “I have the creative power to live a beautiful life no matter what my circumstances. And that is what I intend to do.”

    I love that quote!! You have been through so much already and I know you will conquer this battle as well. Stay strong. xx

  2. Amy, I see your possibilities and the good you’re made of and I’m sure many others do to! *hugs* You’re an inspiration to me in the fact that you’re dealing with/have dealt with some pretty intense circumstances, yet your yearn to stay positive is SO clear! I love that you never loose your hope! You’re teaching your children such a priceless life lesson that will mold them into amazing people!

  3. Poetry can be a postive affirmation; through its words, images, allegories and experience.
    Sending you (((((hugs))))) to deal with the issues that you are facing. Remember that you are never alone: there are always folks who will listen, and provide support.

  4. I know this is a hard place to be. This is the route my marriage has gone, due to my physical and mental health issues. It is a hard place to be, and it hurts, however, I have seen some good come out of it.

    I will be keeping you in my prayers.

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