Pushing A Boulder

The feeling I get recently is as if I am pushing up against a giant boulder. It’s a massive, solid, rock formation in an unlikely spherical formation. I know that once I get it going (sounds like the proverbial “get the ball rolling”), if I can just make it budge, it will move and then gain momentum.

As I began this post I imagined the boulder to represent my life but now I am wondering if I myself am the boulder? No matter, it is a heavy and sometimes daunting task. It requires continuous, draining effort. A massive undertaking.

Today I felt like I had to work so very hard not to succumb to the oppressive feelings of depression that linger over me, hovering, almost waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce. If I let up, if I stop pushing against the boulder, then I will lose any force I have already created and all will be lost. So, I keep pushing. I keep on, using all of my might to accomplish this task, even if this task is simply maintaining stability in moments of overwhelming emotion or physical pain.

What happens if I step back from the boulder? What happens if I were to give up? I suppose I imagine myself at the top of a steep hill and if I were to step back, the boulder could roll backwards over me. I would be crushed. Completely. So stepping back is not even an option.

Is it just the nature of fibromyalgia to feel this requirement for continuous effort in all things? Is it depression? Or is it normal to feel such a heaviness in day to day living? It may just be my circumstances, but I don’t like feeling like it takes so much effort.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Pushing A Boulder

  1. “Is it just the nature of fibromyalgia to feel this requirement for continuous effort in all things? Is it depression? Or is it normal to feel such a heaviness in day to day living? It may just be my circumstances, but I don’t like feeling like it takes so much effort.”
    Some folks with fibromyalgia do get depressed; it’s a perfectly understandable reaction to the limitations it can place on your. Chronic, clinical depression “mimics” some of the fibro symptoms.
    Put the two together, and you have a big boulder of pain, exhaustion, lethargy, regret, sadness, feeling hopeless and helpless. You can only push against the depression boulder for so long and fibro will “weaken” your defenses; when you tire, let down your vigilence, the darkness will creep in; or least that’s how if feels to me.
    I’ve had life-long depression, with various chronic pain/chronic issues being added into the mix. To me, it’s like running at a brick wall with all your might; just like the cartoons, it can leave you feeling “flat” and “one-dimensional.”
    Other times, it feels like I’m lost in a cave without a map, and the flashlight batteries are getting low. I should know north from west, but in the enveloping, encrouching darkness outside of the halo of light the flashlight casts, I can’t be sure of my way.
    I hope that by writing about your feelings gives you a respite from holding the boulder back; that you can push harder and longer or find a way to “outwit” the boulder of depression without losing all your physical and mental stamina.

    • I have dealt with depression for many many years too… it is so surprising that I am unable to determine which is which and a bit frustrating, too. Thank you for your incredible descriptions and relating so well… you are a comrade in this challenging life. I thank you.

  2. Keep on pushing! Picture all of your friends, on the side of the hill with ya, cheering you on – clapping, chanting, using noise makers, sending warm thoughts! It is like you’re in an Iron Man competition moving such huge things!

    To answer your questions – I don’t know if it is good to feel “such heaviness” every single day, but I think it is completely normal for anyone living with chronic illness to feel that at some point. As far as fibromyalgia needing all that continuous effort. I’m not sure the overall response to this, but for me, I do feel like it is constant work, trying to manage a condition that isn’t completely controllable. I feel like I have a fairly good balance of how I do this though. I also feel that if I wanted to stop putting all that effort in, my quality of life would probably decline in other ways. Sure, I wouldn’t be putting in as much constant effort, but I’d probably have a lot more flares and thus probably start feeling worse mentally. Life with chronic illness is tricky. *hugs*

    • I’ll keep on pushing Felicia. With friends like you who “get it” it sure helps me fuel up. I am so blessed to know that through this community of other bloggers and others people who deal with these same kind of issues I have developed a bit of a cheering section. It means the world to me!

      Funny thing with fibro, just when you feel you are doing alright and getting ahead, a flare can strike and knock us down. I wish others understood how up and down and out of control it can feel/be at times. Undoubtedly, triggers like stress, sugar, or a variety of other things can be the culprit, but it is sometimes very hard to know just what it is.

      Hugs back Felicia! With gratitude!

  3. The feelings that you described seemed to be the definition of depression. Sending you all the warmth and good thoughts I can. I hope that you are surrounded by caring and support.

    Ann

    • As someone who has struggled with depression off and on for years, it amazes me how it can still be difficult to determine if it is depression, tough circumstances or the icky aspects of fibromyalgia that causes these feelings of heaviness. It’s undoubtedly a tricky mix.

      I find great comfort and support in the comments here!
      Thank you!

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