The feeling I get recently is as if I am pushing up against a giant boulder. It’s a massive, solid, rock formation in an unlikely spherical formation. I know that once I get it going (sounds like the proverbial “get the ball rolling”), if I can just make it budge, it will move and then gain momentum.
As I began this post I imagined the boulder to represent my life but now I am wondering if I myself am the boulder? No matter, it is a heavy and sometimes daunting task. It requires continuous, draining effort. A massive undertaking.
Today I felt like I had to work so very hard not to succumb to the oppressive feelings of depression that linger over me, hovering, almost waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce. If I let up, if I stop pushing against the boulder, then I will lose any force I have already created and all will be lost. So, I keep pushing. I keep on, using all of my might to accomplish this task, even if this task is simply maintaining stability in moments of overwhelming emotion or physical pain.
What happens if I step back from the boulder? What happens if I were to give up? I suppose I imagine myself at the top of a steep hill and if I were to step back, the boulder could roll backwards over me. I would be crushed. Completely. So stepping back is not even an option.
Is it just the nature of fibromyalgia to feel this requirement for continuous effort in all things? Is it depression? Or is it normal to feel such a heaviness in day to day living? It may just be my circumstances, but I don’t like feeling like it takes so much effort.