Wonder where I’ve been? Perhaps you’re not much wondering, but since my last post telling you that I am back home I feel like I have been on quite an adventure, one that is certainly not over yet.
I have had little time for blogging here this week because I have been doing things a person prays they never have to do. Applying for food stamps, applying for state healthcare for my children, and visiting food pantries. I wish I could butter it up, sugar coat it and say it isn’t so… but this is the truth. I’m also looking for work and working to keep up with my current work as I take on all of the household responsibilities that were once shared.
For a person living a beautiful life with fibromyalgia and mental health issues, where is the beauty in this?
I can tell you where it is, I know it’s there. It’s in me. My courage to seek the help I need for me and my children, to share what my kids and I are struggling with despite the shame and embarrassment. That is beautiful. It is love. I will go to the ends of the Earth for my children and to take care of myself. I am finding out more and more what that is really truly about. I didn’t choose this situation and it’s particular circumstances, but I can choose to do good in the middle of it. (And yes, it does downright suck at moments… I cry, I wonder “why” and all of those things at times)
So, I look at me and how I have conducted myself these last few days and I feel proud and I feel good about me. I am far from perfect… but I’m making steps in the right direction. I am also blessed by the kindness of people, both strangers and dear friends, and that is SO beautiful to witness. I believe in the good of this world and the good of all (well most) people, even though we all act less than stellar at times, there is a person underneath it all that just wants to feel loved.
And I feel loved, by myself, and that feels good! Never mind the fibromyalgia aches and pains and the depression that likes to come knocking at my door… I am going to stay in this moment and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
If you are in the midst of some kind of awful circumstances or feeling horrible, know that it is possible to give yourself some self-love in the midst, you deserve it.