As someone who has dealt with the ups and downs of depression (and some pretty big downs at times) for many years, there is so often this sense that depression is lurking. When life is going smooth, I can’t help but wonder if it will all come crashing down. When life is stressful, but I am coping well, there is a part of me that wonders, will a bout with depression come next?
This is where I am in this moment… wondering…is depression lurking in the shadows waiting for an opportune time to grab me and pull me down?
Life is full of challenges now, some new, some scary, some exciting… it is a time of stress, change and growth. That said, I am functioning well and feeling confident. I know I am not a completely passive entity in the process of a depression relapse (and neither are you!). I have tools in my toolbox. I have knowledge of warning signs if I start to sink. I also have medication that keeps me and my brain chemistry in check. But yet, when you have experienced the dark depths of depression, I think it only normal to fear its return.
I sometimes wonder, will I always fear depression? Will depression haunt me my whole life? Or could I possibly be at a point where I will never have to experience that kind of pain again?
With my history, it’s only realistic to think that safe-guarding myself from depression will be a lifelong intention. For more than half of my life I have dealt with the beast. While my absolute lowest point was about 5 years ago now, it is not something that has vanished or been completely removed. I think that can and does happen for people, but it’s not the case with me, not the case with chronic cases of major or severe depression. The silver lining is, remission is always possible and can be very long-term. In fact, it is possible that I will never venture down the darkest roads again, even though I will likely contend with its predecessors along the way.
Is the fear of depression taking space in your life? Do you let it limit you?
I refuse to let my diagnosis limit me any longer. I have spent a lot of time holding back out of fear of my “weaknesses”. But in actuality, all the while I have been building muscle to help me fight back when I need to. Now, that lurking suspicion, that depression may creep back in, is a real and valid concern, but it is not one that I will let rule my life. I will allow it to give way to caution, but no longer impede my progress.
Are you at a point where you need to confront the fear of lurking depression? Does the fear of it itself keep you from achieving or experiencing all that you want?
- 6 Things Every Kid Should Know About a Parent’s Depression (psychcentral.com)