My children and I have managed (with a lot of help!) to move recently and we are working now to get settled into our new space. It’s a daunting task, but what is now behind us was worse. It’s a great feeling to know that the (hopefully) hardest parts are in the past, but since I am depleted of energy it can still feel tough to look ahead.
I find myself in a strange place right now. I go back and forth between fear, anger, peace and optimism. My outlook fluctuates frequently. While I have felt relatively stable emotionally, I find myself tearing up and even shedding some tears again, when I thought most of the tears were all used up already. I am in the midst of the messy process of divorce that is one of great grief and confusion, for all involved.
I’ve been here before. But I have two children to be concerned about now and I have to cope with the reality that I also have two failed marriages in my pocket. Both marriages have been valuable learning experiences in retrospect, but incredibly difficult losses and losses that I would certainly prefer not to have.
It’s hard for me to write here on my blog during this time. I know that family members, friends, and who knows who else might be looking in, checking up, and investigating what I publish. It’s difficult to feel safe with that. In the past I haven’t required too much reservation of myself in writing, but now, everything looks and feels different, almost foreign.
A few things haven’t changed about who I am and what I will continue to share with you…
I live with Fibromyalgia.
I live with Major Depressive Disorder (and a couple of other co-morbid mental health issues).
I am a Health Activist.
I am a parent.
I love social media.
I love awareness…raising awareness, creating awareness and talking about tough issues like suicide and suicide prevention for example.
I intend and am seeking to live a full and beautiful life while loving myself and others all the way through it, as best as I can.
So what is the point of this post really?
I guess I am just peeking out the window of my new “home” and checking to see if it looks safe out here. Feel free to let me know if you see danger!