Life feels so messy today… like that build up of laundry that somehow multiplied over night into an enormous heap, things sometimes feel insurmountable. I know I am not alone in juggling all of the many things entailed in raising children as a single mother, working full-time, paying bills, buying groceries, doctors appointments, social obligations, etc. All of us cope with these things on some level. I don’t want to play the fibromyalgia and depression cards either. While not everyone copes with those issues, we all have something, don’t we? For some of us it is just more out in the open than others.
There are days and moments when I feel empowered and there are times when I work diligently to assert my confidence into the world. In fact, I work daily to feel the empowerment that comes from knowing who I am. Recently, I have attempted to do this in what I felt was a healthy way, only to feel “shot down” by some people very close to me. This kind of a set-back has me reeling.
I am working to re-establish my sense of self and power that I feel like I somehow lost in some important relationships. I don’t want to feel power over anyone else, just confident in my own. It seems that in order to do that I have to worry less about what others think of me and my decisions. I have to set up boundaries and I must choose to defend them. At the same time, I want to be loving and kind and respect the viewpoints of those I love. I also want only to make solid and healthy choices. This can be a tricky balance.
While I realize I am speaking quite vaguely here, I am hoping that someone will relate to the back and forth, tug-of-war if you will, between asserting your independence and self-confidence and the reaction from people with whom you are in relationships… family, friends, significant others, etc; meanwhile working hard to make the right choices and hoping that those you love can love you enough to allow you to learn from your own choices, rather than try too hard to protect you from them. And it sure can be difficult to know, at times, what the healthiest choices are! Wouldn’t it be great if all decisions were as obvious as picking fresh vegetables over french fries?
Seeking that inner knowledge and the guidance from God right now to lead me in the healthiest directions, to carry me when I am unsure and to lift me up when I need it most… and I wish the same for you.