I Haven’t Forgotten

You may or may not know that I am now working full-time. I am a single parent now and I am living a busy and hectic life. I have fibromyalgia, but I certainly don’t look the picture, if there is one. What I think is amazing is how I have been able to do so much more than I thought I could even a year ago, it truly does feel miraculous… but what I sometimes wonder is “how long can I keep this up?” or sometimes I just selfishly wish people knew that things were hurting and difficult, sometimes I wish people knew that things might be harder for me. But mostly, I am simply grateful.

I was able to rise to the occasion for the most part. I learned to eat healthier, I lost weight, and reaped great rewards. I am now able to provide for my children. I am able to look forward to a future, a future that I really didn’t dream of even one year ago. Things don’t look all rosy, but they look a lot better than I imagined a life with fibromyalgia could ever look! Yet, I still struggle with exhaustion, pain and so many of the challenges that fibromyalgia brings, just usually on a smaller scale than I did before. I haven’t forgotten what it used to be like, I haven’t forgotten at all.

Last weekend I was forced to spend the weekend predominantly at rest. I had been dealing with constant headaches all week that I just could not shake. I felt so awful on Friday night and Saturday I become overwhelmed with emotion… fear and a sense of hopelessness came over me. It felt all too familiar. That sinking feeling in my gut was back, knowing I was unable to play and do with my children what I wanted to be able to do, what they wanted for me to be able to do. So often while coping with fibromyalgia the sense of helplessness and hopelessness has become predominant. The pain has crippled me but my emotions have crippled me just as much. They go hand in hand. Any kind of chronic pain can do this  to you…blatantly,  it can really f*** with your head!

One thing I don’t want to take for granted is the fabulous gift it is to feel better, but also how easily it can all disappear. When I am not taking care of myself as well as I should, when stress levels get too high, and sometimes for no apparent reason, the symptoms return and remind me that I don’t have the same kind of reserves as a lot of other people. I also think so often of the amazing community of fibromyalgia friends and friends with other types of chronic pain who are not experiencing the kind of “reprieve” that I am. I want you to know, I have not forgotten you, what you endure, what you have taught me and what we share. I also have not forgotten what it feels like to be limited by chronic pain, for I still live with limitations, but these limitations happen to be “invisible” now more than ever before.

I haven’t forgotten.

5 thoughts on “I Haven’t Forgotten

  1. I do not have Fibro but many I love do and when I was experiencing debilitating they all recognized my pain to be Fibro. Now that I have been delivered I want to learn everything about Fibro and return the favor. But I want to do it with sensitivity. When you have been delivered from pain it may come off as condescending to say just do what I have done. I have tremendous empathy for my friends with Fibromyalgia and have made it my mission to learn as much as I can in order to be that support those women were to me. I love this post it so addresses where I am in the journey I cannot forget that 8 months ago I was sucking down opiates and talking about a cane.

  2. Thanks – I’m there with you. It’s nice to hear a voice closer to my own in terms of fibro. I know I’m lucky that if I can keep a work-rest-exercise-mental-etc balance I’m in much better shape most of the time.

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