This Is What I Will Do

So often in life I have felt like I don’t fit in… I have felt like I don’t belong.  I don’t remember exactly when that feeling started for me… I don’t recall feeling that way at 4 or 5 or 6. I must have developed that feeling as a teenager or preteen and somehow never shook it. When life became more challenging and difficult life events piled upon one another I must have internalized these feeling so deep because it still lives with me today.

Now, most of the time I feel good being me, most days I am proud of me and can recognize my strengths. But sometimes, the feelings of not being good enough, of being inadequate or feeling like a failure find a way to creep back in. This is one of those days!

I am certain this is entirely human and not a problem specific to me, but wow, when it hits it feels like I am the only one in the world feeling this way. When the self-doubt and insecurities take over, it feels so real and true. It’s hard to shake. It takes work to get past it and sometimes, depending on the circumstances that brought about the feelings, it can take a long time to gain back confidence.

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So, here is what I will do. I will tell myself “I can.” I will tell myself “You are good enough.” I will tell myself “You are a beautiful and wonderful creation of God’s and worthy of good things.” I will say, “You are worthy of more than feeling this way.” And, I will say, “You are forgiven for your failures, tomorrow is a new day.”

It may not shake the feelings instantaneously, but it will work. It will replace the negative thoughts and not just because it works to repeat things like this but because it is truth.

Ramblings and Updates and Other Perhaps Important Stuff

I wrote this on Friday and meant to post, but my mind has been a bit scattered recently, so I never published it! Still, some things I wanted to share follow:

 

The world of social media is full of stigma stomping articles and uproar over people who are adding buckets of shame to a pool of it that is already over-flowing. I have shared a couple of these on Facebook and I am so proud that I know people who share these articles and write these posts to help dispel the untruths that continue to bombard us daily about what it is to live with a mental health issue.

Here are a couple of the articles that I have come across today:

Dear Dr. Phil

First Dr. Phil, Now NBC’s Brian Williams: Stigmatizing Mental Illness

Looking for Attention: Passing Judgment on the Mentally Ill

It ignites my passion for sharing about living with mental health issues when I see others doing the same. Upon sharing one of these articles on Facebook a friend, who I would never know was challenged with these issues, shared that she also has dealt with chronic anxiety and depression for her whole life. Talking about this stuff is GOOD. It is so good to know that we are not alone.

On another note, someone special reminded me last night that it’s okay to share all of the good on here. I think that I do that, but it would be easy for those blogging about chronic illness and mental health issues to stay stuck in the darker side of things at times. I am fortunate that those darker times are behind me now, although I do not know what is ahead, I do know that I am in a good place. I am glad I can share it all.

And finally, I thought I would let everyone know that I have signed up to walk in the Greater Kansas City Out of the Darkness Community Walk for Suicide Prevention again this year. I am hoping to raise twice as much money as I did last year. While I realize this is a lofty goal who says goals shouldn’t be lofty? No matter how much money I raise, it will again be my privilege to walk among those who have also lost loved ones to suicide and who care about preventing suicide in those who struggle with mental heath issues such as depression. If you would like to support me, you can visit my fundraising page here. If you are in the area and would like to join me, just say so, I would welcome your company and support as it is always an emotional experience.

Here’s to finding beautiful things in your day! I feel so blessed to feel the beauty in my heart and soul again today.

Smile on the Inside

I keep starting this post with different sentences that sound important and then deleting them. The truth is that I don’t have anything of massive importance to share, but I just feel like sharing something because, I am in the sharing mood.

So often when I write or think about writing here the theme of “living a beautiful life” enters my mind and I look at where I am at and may think for a minute, “What’s so beautiful about this life of mine?” but then I remember… so very much is beautiful. I didn’t ask myself that question today, which means I am feeling life’s beauty instinctively and that is such a good good feeling.

I am also feeling full of hope recently, and renewed faith. I love the way I can feel those emotions light up in my eyes. I always feel it in my eyes, like they are smiling from the inside, when I am delighted. I wonder if other people notice it in me…can they see the hope in my eyes or the child-like awe that I am feeling? If they can’t, then I guess it is my little secret, but I hope they can and as a result feel some of it themselves.

What makes you smile on the inside? Even in spite of any pain or financial hardship or stress? What bursts through and takes over despite those things? Share with me?

 
This song makes me feel happy and smile on the inside and the outside, (it just makes me want to get up and dance) so I thought I would share it with you!