Do Not Be Afraid

Share your story. Be real. Be authentic. Find your niche.

I’ve been stuck in this abyss of wondering how to do all of this…for months and months and months. I used to bare it all for you and now I’m afraid. I used to give everyone the nitty gritty details of my life and people read it, seemed to relate and maybe even liked it. I liked it. I loved knowing I wasn’t alone. I loved feeling brave and being real, even if it meant some would misunderstand or misinterpret my words or state of mind. It felt so goooood to release it all, put my mess out there, here and everywhere and get feedback…maybe even I could be so bold as to say I might have liked the attention. 

Life can feel lonely at times. Blogging friends, supporters, Twitter friends, you know…real people acknowledging you, your pain, your joys, your existence, just feels nice, right? 

But, now I sit here (in the hair salon, hallelujah!) and I have to figure out how to be those things I first mentioned in the beginning all over again. I have a new and amazing life. It’s like I received a fresh start in a multitude of incredible and ridiculous ways, but all the things and topics I have touched on before are still a part of my life – and more. 

What to say, what not to say…self-censorship is on my mind more than it ever has been before. 

I fear for saying something my ex-husband could use against me someday in a child custody hearing. I fear that my new extended family would be embarrassed/concerned/ashamed if I bared it all. I fear that discussing the topics I used to talk about so freely (as well as new ones) would hurt my ability to help provide for my family if push comes to shove and I have to look for work in the corporate world or even now as I continue to build my own independent contract book of business.

Paul says, in the Bible, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). And if I’m called to share my heart, then I need to let go of this fear. I can trust in Him. It doesn’t feel so simple today, though.

So, I’m starting by sharing my fears with you here and now about all this because that is as real as it gets. I’m taking baby steps. (I can’t say that without thinking of “What About Bob?“) 

I’m sharing my desire to find my place online again. I’m just another voice in the crowd, but I think all of our voices matter. I think God has given me a story, a life, that matters. 

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