“As I gasp for air, I find you there; waiting for me, and ready to cradle my heart in your hands.”
I wrote or “tweeted” this one night on twitter as I was feeling the all too familiar sense of needing to catch my breath. I had not been exercising or doing anything strenuous, I was just sitting on the couch, sitting in my pain. Often my emotional pain has manifested itself in a physical way, and that is what was happening at that moment. (maybe you can relate?)
I wish I could say that I was writing this in reference to how I felt about God, that I felt he was there waiting for me and he was going to take care of me. Although I do believe that, I was not feeling that at the moment I typed those words. I was fantasizing, if you will, about having someone near me, to hold me, to love me, to cradle me… to make everything all better.
The reality is, it is too painful to wait for someone … to wait for someone to change, to wait for someone to be willing to love you the way you want to be loved, to wait for someone to heal. It is a waste of time, sweet precious time, to just sit in your pain and wait… Not only is it painful and a waste of time, but it is truly a distraction, and keeping you from taking care of your own “stuff” when you are waiting for someone else to take care of theirs.
I truly did not believe I was doing that any longer. I believed I was moving forward and focusing on me and what I can do to be healthier and happier. I believed that until this past Thursday. Something happened that helped me to wake up to the reality of how much emphasis I was putting on waiting before I put all of me into moving forward and embracing the good that I have right now. It truly surprised me. It was one of those “Aha” moments and also an “Oh ****” moment. I thought, “dang it, I didn’t think I was doing that”, and in reality I was … waiting.
I doubt that I am the only person who has put all of their hope in someone else making life better for them. I doubt I am the only person that has been deeply affected by someone else’s behavior and moods. I doubt I am the only person who has held out… saving their energy while waiting to see if the other person is going to fully invest first. Nothing here makes me unique, but it just might be a reminder for someone else who is waiting and does not believe they are.
We have all heard the notion that we must love ourselves first, we can only change ourselves and no one else, that no matter what, the only thing we have control over is us, right? None of this is new, but it is all so true and all so vitally important to our wellness.
Making the choice to treat yourself well and choosing to acknowledge your flaws and the power and control you have over changing them is a lot harder than it sounds for most of us. But it must be done. And why wait another moment, another day, to do it? All that I was doing by waiting was missing opportunities to grow, missing opportunities to live fully, and missing my life as it passed me right by. I am feeling confident that if you are waiting, that is what is happening in your life, too.
The most influential experience in my life, that has helped me to be able to write these words and come to these realizations is something called BreakThrough, which you may have read about in previous posts. I participated in this during a time when I truly felt I had no where left to go, no where left to turn. I felt, at the time that I began this “training” that it was, in many ways, my last hope.
My BreakThrough experience, that I have now “completed” (although it is a continual process) gave me the opportunity to experience exactly what I was dreaming of … someone was there waiting for me. Someone was there ready to love me and someone was there cradling me. I experienced the reality of God’s love cradling me by using the very hands and hearts of humans. I also found the person who has all along been waiting and ready to love… and it was me!
I no longer have to gasp for air, but I can breathe in slowly… I can choose reality, acceptance and love. I can choose and so can you. We are all connected, or in many cases disconnected, by our choices. I now choose to live in love…with myself and all those around me.