The Key to Happiness

Day two of #HAWMC is a doozy. We’re given one of life’s greatest and most debated questions to answer. The folks at WegoHealth must know how wise we are, us health activists. 

The truth is, whether you’ve faced major health challenges or not, the answer (in my opinion) is the same. How you come about realizing it may be a different journey for each of us, as well as how long it takes to get there, but the getting to it isn’t the writing prompt today. And you know what, I think the answer to this question is actually pretty simple.

Simple. It’s the little things. The key to unlocking happiness (which I must remind you is transient and much different from peace or joy) is in the simple moments and the sacred minutes in life in which you take notice. 

When I was in the throes of illness and pain from Fibromyalgia I gradually learned to treasure the brief and tender moments with my children rather than focus on a perceived lack of them. I learned to focus on the seemingly small stuff in life like a laugh coming from the other room, the birds chirping outside my window or dappled sunlight shining through the curtains. 

Illness taught me to be still. It taught me that happiness really can be found in the wiggling of my toes against cool sheets or in a silent prayer of gratitude. 

My, oh my, how easy it can be to forget this simple little key we all carry in our pockets! In a hurried and busy world full of demands we may find ourselves grumpy and stressed but we can do the simple thing and STOP. Take notice. Purposefully step outside. Take it in. Take it all in. 

Happiness lies in the little things and small moments, friends …with perhaps a dose of good perspective, but it’s there, just waiting to be unlocked.

To Be Known

Does it ever occur to you that perhaps a sadness you may feel in life is because of a sense of not being known? I struggle with this. I desperately want for people to see me, to know me and then of course, to accept me just as I am. Truly, that’s an awful lot to ask of people, isn’t it? But how my heart craves to be known!

At work I want people to know my good intentions and my strong desire to do good, to excel and produce the best work that I can. In parenting, I want my children to know my love for them and feel it fully. In friendship I want for my dear friends to know my wishes and dreams and the amount of love, care and concern I have for them. There are so many ways I want to be known. I want to be seen and known for my heart, not for my errors or mistakes, not for the foolish thing that may have slipped out of my mouth, and not for the silly questions I may have asked or times when I am obviously seeking approval. I want to be known for the goodness that I am.

This world seems so full of judgment. “You aren’t enough of this, Amy. You aren’t doing good enough at that. Perhaps you should be more like so and so, or maybe if you got better at “X,Y or Z” you would be okay. Maybe then we could tolerate the you we know, the you we think we know…”

Sometimes it feels like if people truly knew me then they would treat me differently, if they knew how much I care, if they knew how much I love to be a part of something important and that my goal is to be a light in the world and to all people, but to also be a helper and a leader… and sometimes I just wonder if they would be kinder if they knew how squashed I sometimes feel inside. Because really, if we are honest, don’t we all feel squashed sometimes?

As a person living with  chronic health challenges, I want people to know my pain and what I am dealing/coping with. I get the sense that if only they knew what it was like, then maybe they would get me and maybe the relationship would be better or they would have compassion or just simply understand what I am dealing with.  But again, that’s asking a lot of people. (And believe me, this goes both ways, I also want to know you and them.)

So here’s one conclusion: they don’t know me. And as much as I want to be known, even if I shared it all, they may still not like what they know. Most of the time, they don’t care to know me because they too are busy feeling squashed or frustrated because they are misunderstood or unknown. Or maybe they are just too busy not thinking about how important it is that other people need to be known. Yet, I think it would serve us all well in this world if we took time to try to know each other better.

So I crave to be known, deeply. I yearn to feel known because when I feel really known I feel safe and no longer alone. I am incredibly blessed to say that for the first time in my life I feel known and understood in a new way with a new love in my life who is treasured by me and I by him beyond any comparison. And most importantly, I realize, with more awareness than ever before, that there is one who always has and always will know me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows my failings and he knows my strengths. And He loves me, just like He loves you. He is God and He is the reason that I can go to sleep at night worried a lot less about those who don’t seem to know me or even want to know me.  For as long as God knows me, I am not alone. I am known.

Express Yourself Already

It’s been too long since I’ve written or done much of anything that really expresses myself authentically. And you know what? It’s about damn time I get back to it. I have been holding back and I have been just a bit busy, okay, I’ve been a lot busy. Being single mama to two children, the sole breadwinner and embarking on a new career, well, just those two things alone have kept me busy enough. Add dating and other life commitments to the mix and well, I got lost.

Funny how it takes something like failure or loss to push you to find what makes you “work” again. I have been flailing all about like a fish out of water recently. And it occurred to me this morning that a couple of things are going on. 1) I don’t feel like I am helping people anymore, like really helping people. In my health activist efforts, in my previous blogging efforts and work in the online mental health and chronic pain communities I regularly and genuinely felt like I was being of service to others. People reached out to me and thanked me. People related to me. I related to them. I was engaged in the act of making others feel better. 2) I am not expressing myself. In work I express mostly what other people want or need to hear from me (if I am expressing anything), so no where in life am I authentically expressing Amy. I used to do that all the time, mostly here. Also often in art and crafts, in poetry on Twitter, and in community (predominantly online). So take point 1 and point 2 and put them together, you get a shell of who I am, but none of the really, really good stuff.

I have been so sad and feeling empty… because I have just been the shell… but now I need to get back to the good stuff!

I don’t think I have it all figured out yet, (ha ha, will I ever?) but I know that I am trying. I went to a yoga studio and practiced yoga tonight for the first time. I have done yoga at home before (mostly on the wii) but I have wanted for years to go to a real yoga studio and practice. It was challenging and empowering and relaxing and rejuvenating all at the same time. And most importantly, I finally did it!

I am making plans for myself and being social, even when I don’t much feel like it. I am feeding myself positive thoughts to think on and I am working really hard at practicing actually thinking them! I am doing the little things that add up to a big thing called whole health, at least I am beginning to really put these things into practice, and it is helping. It is helping me through the moments of sad, the moments of extreme loneliness, the moments where I forget how crazy awesome I am and I feel not good enough.

Just being “here” and writing and telling the world that “Damn it, I am here and I am making it!” Well, that’s a big deal. It’s a big deal for me. And maybe it will be a big deal for someone… some other single mom or person who has struggled with chronic depression or chronic illness of some kind, or someone who has just been lost. I tell you what, I am tired of acting like I don’t struggle, that life isn’t hard (believe it or not I have been acting like that recently in some circles). But, I am more tired of feeling like I am letting life run me over. I am made to stand proud, and so are you. I may be broken, but I think I am beautiful that way. I just have to remember. Like the stained glass that is shattered in my blog’s header photo, broken is beautiful, it lets the light shine through. I will find a way to let the light shine through me and then wherever I go, whoever sees me, they will see light, too.

And just for the fun of it, I just need to add a little Madonna to the mix, it’s only appropriate:

It Helps Me #NHBPM Day 1

 

 

It’s been a long time since I have attempted to do anything like this, but I am feeling extra inspired, or perhaps I am a glutton for punishment! Selfishly, I just want to write and the National Health Blog Post Month created by WEGO Health gives me good reason to do just that. 30 days and 30 posts all about health. Thank goodness for the 30 days of prompts they have provided as well.

Today starts off with the topic “Why do you write about your health?” (or your health condition) and so, in case you haven’t heard for a while about why I do this, I will share:

I write about my health because it helps me. First, I thought I started writing because I wanted to help others (which I desperately do) but I have found more than anything else it helps me. It helps me along my journey of living a more beautiful life whether I am feeling joyful, content or experiencing depression. It helps me cope when I am in pain from fibromyalgia or experiencing one (or all) of the many other symptoms that go along with it. It helps me to feel connected to the rest of the world, especially to those who also experience similar challenges. It helps me be a better person, it helps me see how far I’ve come and where I need to start over again. It helps me get a fresh perspective and it helps me to vent when I just want to well, you know, whine. I could actually make a list of all the different ways it helps me (maybe I should!) and I bet that would be a great post in and of itself. For the sake of time, I will just say one more time… it helps me.

 

 

Thank You for Second Chances

How often do you feel like you have missed the boat or missed your chance at something? I know for me, I can feel this way all too often.

There are so many weekends or days of the weekend that I feel like I have missed my chance to have good family time with my kids or the chance to get out and enjoy life because I am so tired from the previous week. I use a lot of energy just to make it through the week, (I know most of us do) and when the weekend comes around I feel depleted. All too often, I end up not “living” the way I would like to, perhaps too much time spent napping or taking care of household chores or just not feeling motivated.

I can get really sad when I feel like I have lost my chance, like I have missed moments that can never be regained. And the reality is, that is true. I can’t get those moments back. But instead of spending my time moping I have to remind myself that next weekend I will get another chance and that there are still moments in this day to make the most of. Too much time can be spent wishing for a second chance rather than living in the moment we have right now.

I felt sad today, about this stuff and about some other things in my life currently, but I finally ended up saying to myself, “Enough of feeling sad for today!” And I chose to do what I could and live in the moment of second chances, making the best of the time I have left in the weekend. It’s not that I lost the whole weekend to feeling bad, but today I missed most of it and it was especially pretty outside. It was one of those days that screamed “live” and I didn’t feel like I was living.

So tonight, I am taking life up on it’s second chances and living the moments fully, being fully aware of the sounds and scents that I surround myself with, treasuring things like the setting sunlight peeking through the fall leaves in the tree and the blinds in my kitchen. I smell the aroma of meatloaf in the oven that I prepared and see the glimmer of candlelight in my living room. Jason Mraz’s latest CD plays in my stereo, serenading me. I have designated time after dinner for family game time. I am embracing these moments.

I am always grateful for second chances. Some things we can’t get back, but still, we have this moment and this day. And we have the chance to live it beautifully.