Day two of #HAWMC is a doozy. We’re given one of life’s greatest and most debated questions to answer. The folks at WegoHealth must know how wise we are, us health activists.
The truth is, whether you’ve faced major health challenges or not, the answer (in my opinion) is the same. How you come about realizing it may be a different journey for each of us, as well as how long it takes to get there, but the getting to it isn’t the writing prompt today. And you know what, I think the answer to this question is actually pretty simple.
Simple. It’s the little things. The key to unlocking happiness (which I must remind you is transient and much different from peace or joy) is in the simple moments and the sacred minutes in life in which you take notice.
When I was in the throes of illness and pain from Fibromyalgia I gradually learned to treasure the brief and tender moments with my children rather than focus on a perceived lack of them. I learned to focus on the seemingly small stuff in life like a laugh coming from the other room, the birds chirping outside my window or dappled sunlight shining through the curtains.
Illness taught me to be still. It taught me that happiness really can be found in the wiggling of my toes against cool sheets or in a silent prayer of gratitude.
My, oh my, how easy it can be to forget this simple little key we all carry in our pockets! In a hurried and busy world full of demands we may find ourselves grumpy and stressed but we can do the simple thing and STOP. Take notice. Purposefully step outside. Take it in. Take it all in.
Happiness lies in the little things and small moments, friends …with perhaps a dose of good perspective, but it’s there, just waiting to be unlocked.
For several months I have felt, well, um, oppressed. Truly, I have been depressed (at times, even earlier this week, very much so). It has been oppressive and sad and all of the dark things that you think about depression. I don’t know if this weekend is some kind of breakthrough or if it is just a moment of reprieve. Either way, I’ll take it.
I have enjoyed a couple of days of not feeling so heavily weighted by life, more like a couple of days filled with more moments of relief as well as some more moments of motivation, and as I realize this I am over-joyed. I feel some kind of sense of power being restored to me. I am not sure exactly where it is coming from but I just want to be aware and relish these moments of feeling slightly less burdened. And, I want to share it!
The darkness of life that has been haunting me could and has been caused by many different factors, which I don’t want to even discuss in too much depth… what’s important is that something feels like it has lifted a tiny bit. This feeling of taking my power back (from what I do not know) is invigorating.
I read a status update on Facebook not too long ago that referenced something to the effect that most (circumstantial onset of) depression is caused by events or circumstances that impair or damage one’s sense of identity. If I am not mistaken, this was in reference to a story about Mike Wallace and his recent passing. While I battle chronic depression, when I think back on times when depression has struck me hardest, it was in reaction to events or life experiences that have negated or felt to have taken away my sense of identity at the time.
Most recently, I have lost a marriage and my work (both work on a volunteer basis as a health activist and a job as a Community Leader which I so dearly loved). This transition into full-time work outside of the home into a new career has had a lot of growing pains. My identity has been shaken. I prided myself for my work as a health activist… I gained much self-respect through those efforts. I felt empowered. I felt important to those who were affected in some way by my efforts and words. I felt needed, wanted, helpful and confident in what I was doing. Having experienced a forcible thrust into a completely different type of working world and industry, my sense of identity just went by the wayside. It simply did not matter what exactly my efforts were going to be put towards, I needed to work. I needed to support myself and my children.
Now, I am settling into my new life. I have a new job much different from what I did before and a job for which I am incredibly grateful. I can look back and see how shaken I was by this loss of self that I experienced by making this change. I am working my way into accepting new roles and callings. I am finding my way slowly but surely. And I see it clearly now how tragic it felt to me to lose who I was before this. This alone I think would be enough for a person to experience some level of depression.
Another time I experienced a very severe episode of depression was after the onset and diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I have talked about this topic a lot on this blog. But as anyone knows who lives with a chronic health condition, it was devastating to me. My life felt as if it had no purpose. I was in so much pain. I felt I couldn’t “live” a life with Fibromyalgia. No doubt, my identity was shaken to its core during that period of time.
So back to this weekend… I took care of some important things. I made a little progress on some projects that needed a lot of my attention. I spent some quality time with my children. I experienced some moments of closeness with my oldest that we needed to experience together. I had some good moments with my youngest that have been a little hard to come by recently and I did not cave in during a very “bad” moment with him that we dealt with on Friday night. I made my kids meals prepared at home, which hasn’t been occurring as frequently as it should, because I haven’t felt well. I am looking back on the last couple days and now I see! A lot of good things (although perhaps small and meaningless to some) have happened and many of them a direct result of choices I made… good choices. I am proud.
I will go to sleep tonight content and delighted with the good that I experienced this weekend. Tomorrow promises to be a challenging day, but I am feeling a bit more confident that my choices in the midst of these challenges will be good ones. That’s a good feeling. I think I will savor it just a little while longer.
If things have been hard for you in some way, I challenge you to take notice of the moments (any moment, short or long) that come by where you experience a reprieve. Take notice and eat it up, soak it in, roll around in it and splash in the joy that comes from experiencing just that moment! Also, feel free to remind me to do so when I forget. 🙂
You may or may not know that I am now working full-time. I am a single parent now and I am living a busy and hectic life. I have fibromyalgia, but I certainly don’t look the picture, if there is one. What I think is amazing is how I have been able to do so much more than I thought I could even a year ago, it truly does feel miraculous… but what I sometimes wonder is “how long can I keep this up?” or sometimes I just selfishly wish people knew that things were hurting and difficult, sometimes I wish people knew that things might be harder for me. But mostly, I am simply grateful.
I was able to rise to the occasion for the most part. I learned to eat healthier, I lost weight, and reaped great rewards. I am now able to provide for my children. I am able to look forward to a future, a future that I really didn’t dream of even one year ago. Things don’t look all rosy, but they look a lot better than I imagined a life with fibromyalgia could ever look! Yet, I still struggle with exhaustion, pain and so many of the challenges that fibromyalgia brings, just usually on a smaller scale than I did before. I haven’t forgotten what it used to be like, I haven’t forgotten at all.
Last weekend I was forced to spend the weekend predominantly at rest. I had been dealing with constant headaches all week that I just could not shake. I felt so awful on Friday night and Saturday I become overwhelmed with emotion… fear and a sense of hopelessness came over me. It felt all too familiar. That sinking feeling in my gut was back, knowing I was unable to play and do with my children what I wanted to be able to do, what they wanted for me to be able to do. So often while coping with fibromyalgia the sense of helplessness and hopelessness has become predominant. The pain has crippled me but my emotions have crippled me just as much. They go hand in hand. Any kind of chronic pain can do this to you…blatantly, it can really f*** with your head!
One thing I don’t want to take for granted is the fabulous gift it is to feel better, but also how easily it can all disappear. When I am not taking care of myself as well as I should, when stress levels get too high, and sometimes for no apparent reason, the symptoms return and remind me that I don’t have the same kind of reserves as a lot of other people. I also think so often of the amazing community of fibromyalgia friends and friends with other types of chronic pain who are not experiencing the kind of “reprieve” that I am. I want you to know, I have not forgotten you, what you endure, what you have taught me and what we share. I also have not forgotten what it feels like to be limited by chronic pain, for I still live with limitations, but these limitations happen to be “invisible” now more than ever before.
I wrote my post for Fibromyalgia Awareness Day over at WEGO Health and I wanted to make sure I told you all about it here, too… titled “It’s Fibromyalgia Awareness Day: Why Bother?” I hope you will visit the post there and read why I care about this event, even in the midst of so many important awareness activities in the month of May.
It’s not a super eventful day here as far as awareness activities go. I have been extremely tired and it also just so happens to be my daughter’s birthday, but I can still write, tweet, and support the amazing efforts and events that are taking place. You can too!
A couple of posts ago I told you that I was making changes in my diet and that I am feeling much improved… it’s true and I am still at it. I thought you might per chance be interested in some more details. If you’re not, well then… you know, you don’t have to read! =)
First of all, back in the beginning to middle of March, I began to be much more conscious of my food choices. I started noticing how much pasta and things that have not so much nutritional value were in my diet. I wanted to make different choices but I really wasn’t exactly sure how or what to do. I felt overwhelmed by the idea of cutting out bread completely or cutting anything out completely, but I knew that I would have to on some level to really get a sense of what makes my body feel better.
Around the third week of March I began to eat nothing but 100% whole wheat when I eat bread/grains. If it is pasta or bread related, I only have it if it is 100% whole wheat. I also eat oatmeal, quinoa and Kashi Go Lean cereal (in moderation and by following the package measurements for one serving). I added more vegetables and fruits to my diet. I just did it. I made the change. When I eat meat, I eat very lean and small (normal sized, the size we are supposed to have, about 4 oz). I use egg whites for making scrambled eggs, it’s not the same, but it does the trick with a little salt, pepper and on a piece of plain 100% whole wheat toast. You know, I’m just doing all of those things that we hear about over and over again.
I’m drinking LOTS of water. If it isn’t water or tea, I don’t drink it. I don’t eat sugary foods, at all, right now. I don’t use butter or margarine. I use olive oil sparingly and I measure it and keep track of how much I’m using when I do use it. I use the MyFitnessPal app to keep track of my calories, not as a stringent rule, but to keep me within guidelines and to keep me in a general state of awareness. These are all things I have been wanting to do for so long, but for some reason I just couldn’t make the switch. And now… I’m doing it. (I have to tell you that a lot of the inspiration for making these changes came from Sue Ingebretson and her book FibroWhyalgia.)
I tell you what I am doing just to share, not as a suggestion that it is what you should do or what is healthiest for you, but just because I can’t believe that I really am in so much less pain. I always knew that it would probably help a great deal, but wow… it really is making a difference for me.
I used to take a large amount of ibuprofen and naproxen sodium daily. I rarely have to take it these days. A typical day prior to this diet change would come to a close in pain, if it didn’t start out that way already. My legs would be aching (quite often really painful), headaches very common, feet tired and sore. Now, I feel about the same at the end of the day as I did at the middle or beginning of the day, just more tired. I am still battling fatigue, but not at the same level I was before. It’s only been a month since I really put change in place … but I recognized the difference in my pain level about two weeks ago.
A major bonus as well as a desired effect is weight loss. I have a goal and I am working towards it. My goal is to be a healthy weight, not skinny or perfect, just what is healthy for me, what feels good and what is going to be beneficial to my health in the long run. I have already lost 10 pounds. I can’t really tell too much, but the scale keeps saying that it’s so… and I am happy about that!
A big part of me sharing this here on my blog is because I feel it’s important to acknowledge that I have a fear of failure, especially once I make it known. I want you all to see the change in me, too, as I become healthier and put my efforts towards a healthier lifestyle. I want to lead by example. Honestly, I am tired of watching other people do it, it’s my turn! But most important, if it might inspire you to put a little bit more awareness into your food choices, then that really makes me happy, because no matter what, our bodies need us to take responsibility for what we put in them.
By the way, I am dealing with muscle spasms in my back this week. So, I don’t want to imply that all of my troubles and fibromyalgia challenges have magically disappeared, but I do believe that I am in a much better place than I was 4 weeks ago. I also feel empowered by taking my health into my own hands in this way, even if it only takes me so far… it is much closer to where I want to be!
*Please do not take any of the above as medical advice, this is what is working now, for me. I am not an expert on diet, nutrition or weight loss, and I do not claim to be one. *
Una Vita Bella 