Find Your Spark

Spark

Click on the word “Spark” above.

This is one of the most beautiful videos I’ve seen.

Find your spark. Light it up. Shine. Glow. Live in the moment. Be you. Give yourself grace. Darkness will again be light.

A Beautiful Life is Full of Changes

Life is ever-changing isn’t it? Sometimes changes are transitions like the rolling hills on a country road and other times the changes are more like the first deep plunge of a roller coaster ride. Many times, it’s a combination of both! Life has been full of so many changes for me and my family. Lucky for me, they are beautiful, life-giving changes and gifts from God. As it is, changes still require adaptation and periods of transition.

My life has been renewed this last year and a half. I have been given the love of my life and I became his wife. I have a much larger family now (from 2 kids to 5!). My struggle with Fibromyalgia isn’t near the painful existence that it used to be, in fact, it’s minuscule in comparison (not entirely gone, but WAY better!). I think I may always contend with the beast of depression (and always want to talk about it) as it has been with me for most of my life, but my focus in life is, more often than not, to not focus on depression as my life sentence. I am also now focusing on parenting one young child with severe autism and another who was diagnosed as being on the spectrum but high functioning. I am also focused on parenting the three teenagers we have who aren’t on the spectrum but present a whole different set of challenges! And, I continue to be passionate about social media and work from home as a social media project manager. But my main and most important focus in life is to be the best and most loving faith-filled wife and mother I can be, who still makes a mess of things sometimes, has a lot of messes to clean up and works hard to remember that life is always beautiful. Perhaps this new chapter is deserving of a fresh and clean blog slate.

What do you think?

Moving Through the Moments

I have had the most tear-filled weekend this weekend that I can recall experiencing for months. It’s not a secret to some who are close to me that I can be sensitive and emotional, but tears don’t surface for me all that easily, usually. In the midst of one of the most blessed times I have ever experienced in my life I am also facing some of the hardest challenges internally and circumstantially that I have faced in a long time. It’s odd to be in the face of a miracle and abundant gifts and at the same time to experience issues that literally bring you to your knees.

So with that background, I am here to tell you about what I am learning about moments of great pain and unrest. These moments of intense internal or emotional pain may seem to appear as if they come out of nowhere at times and sometimes it truly is like receiving a hard slap in the back that just plain knocks the wind out of you. It can be deep and sudden and when it comes and hits hard, it truly feels like it may just be the end of you. In that moment, when you are stricken with intense grief or sadness or a feeling of hopelessness, it feels as if there is nothing else besides that pain. It feels infinite and it feels too deep a wound to close up. The feelings are so intense that you may begin to wonder, can I possibly move past this pain? If it’s been a while since you have felt a pang of pain like this then you might not relate, but if you have, you know exactly what I am talking about. I know I am not alone.

Today, I just happened to experience it. I was overwhelmed very suddenly and I had to go into my bedroom and close my door and literally drop to my knees. I dropped and began to sob.  In those moments I felt that the pain I was experiencing was unbearable, that it would not get better, that there was no light.

Despite those horrible moments, here is what I learned today and other times that emotional pain has felt unbearable… it truly does pass. It does. It passes. The pain won’t necessarily be completely gone because there is likely a very real issue or challenge to deal with, but the intensity and severity will lighten and ease up. It will pass. There will be relief.

There are a couple of things that I have found can help to speed the process up of moving past the moment and I think these are even doable in the midst of all the pain.

1) Cry for a bit. You have to get it out, it’s good for you. What isn’t good is stuffing it back in because then it comes out in a lot more unattractive ways than even your “ugly” cry. (And yes, we all have what we might refer to as our ugly cry face when the crying gets real “good.”)

2) Tell someone. (Preferably not your children because they will jut get upset, too.) But seriously, tell someone. Even if you text them, let someone know that you are hurting. And if you are lucky, you will connect with them via phone or in person and then you really will feel an immediate relief. When we connect our burdens are lightened. It’s kind of a beautiful thing. And, if things are super rough, call a hotline. Which I know is hard to do, but if you can’t reach anyone and you might be at the brink just call someone like the folks at Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

3) Pray. Lift it up and look up, especially if you are down on your knees anyway or maybe like me, you start on your  knees and end up laying in the middle of the floor with your mascara all over the place. Looking up to God is easier from that vantage point. And, it helps to cry out to Him. It helps to tell Him how you are feeling. You may not get an immediate answer, but I have no doubt our prayers are heard.

I know this now, after having gone through many seemingly unbearable moments, that the most intense part does pass. Once that part passes we can move on to how we handle the problems or challenges that we need to face or we can just take some deep breaths and calmly enjoy the rest of our evening as best as we possibly can. Either way, please know this… the moment will pass.

Ramblings and Updates and Other Perhaps Important Stuff

I wrote this on Friday and meant to post, but my mind has been a bit scattered recently, so I never published it! Still, some things I wanted to share follow:

 

The world of social media is full of stigma stomping articles and uproar over people who are adding buckets of shame to a pool of it that is already over-flowing. I have shared a couple of these on Facebook and I am so proud that I know people who share these articles and write these posts to help dispel the untruths that continue to bombard us daily about what it is to live with a mental health issue.

Here are a couple of the articles that I have come across today:

Dear Dr. Phil

First Dr. Phil, Now NBC’s Brian Williams: Stigmatizing Mental Illness

Looking for Attention: Passing Judgment on the Mentally Ill

It ignites my passion for sharing about living with mental health issues when I see others doing the same. Upon sharing one of these articles on Facebook a friend, who I would never know was challenged with these issues, shared that she also has dealt with chronic anxiety and depression for her whole life. Talking about this stuff is GOOD. It is so good to know that we are not alone.

On another note, someone special reminded me last night that it’s okay to share all of the good on here. I think that I do that, but it would be easy for those blogging about chronic illness and mental health issues to stay stuck in the darker side of things at times. I am fortunate that those darker times are behind me now, although I do not know what is ahead, I do know that I am in a good place. I am glad I can share it all.

And finally, I thought I would let everyone know that I have signed up to walk in the Greater Kansas City Out of the Darkness Community Walk for Suicide Prevention again this year. I am hoping to raise twice as much money as I did last year. While I realize this is a lofty goal who says goals shouldn’t be lofty? No matter how much money I raise, it will again be my privilege to walk among those who have also lost loved ones to suicide and who care about preventing suicide in those who struggle with mental heath issues such as depression. If you would like to support me, you can visit my fundraising page here. If you are in the area and would like to join me, just say so, I would welcome your company and support as it is always an emotional experience.

Here’s to finding beautiful things in your day! I feel so blessed to feel the beauty in my heart and soul again today.

A New Honor

I was surprised with an email in my in-box today alerting me that my blog is the recipient of a new honor. Una Vita Bella has been selected as one of 16 Best Depression Blogs of 2013 by Healthline. The most wonderful thing about this honor is that people are still finding value in my posts even though I don’t post near as often as I used to (or yes, let’s go ahead and say it, rarely) and this gives me a big giant warm fuzzy feeling.

It really is a privilege to know that the pourings out of my heart in the past still resonate with someone, even if it only does with one. Funny how a little (or big) acknowledgement stirs in me the desire to write more and share more. I hope I can make time to share more of my experiences, struggles and triumphs here, because it’s good for me and perhaps it is good for someone else, too!