Ramblings and Updates and Other Perhaps Important Stuff

I wrote this on Friday and meant to post, but my mind has been a bit scattered recently, so I never published it! Still, some things I wanted to share follow:

 

The world of social media is full of stigma stomping articles and uproar over people who are adding buckets of shame to a pool of it that is already over-flowing. I have shared a couple of these on Facebook and I am so proud that I know people who share these articles and write these posts to help dispel the untruths that continue to bombard us daily about what it is to live with a mental health issue.

Here are a couple of the articles that I have come across today:

Dear Dr. Phil

First Dr. Phil, Now NBC’s Brian Williams: Stigmatizing Mental Illness

Looking for Attention: Passing Judgment on the Mentally Ill

It ignites my passion for sharing about living with mental health issues when I see others doing the same. Upon sharing one of these articles on Facebook a friend, who I would never know was challenged with these issues, shared that she also has dealt with chronic anxiety and depression for her whole life. Talking about this stuff is GOOD. It is so good to know that we are not alone.

On another note, someone special reminded me last night that it’s okay to share all of the good on here. I think that I do that, but it would be easy for those blogging about chronic illness and mental health issues to stay stuck in the darker side of things at times. I am fortunate that those darker times are behind me now, although I do not know what is ahead, I do know that I am in a good place. I am glad I can share it all.

And finally, I thought I would let everyone know that I have signed up to walk in the Greater Kansas City Out of the Darkness Community Walk for Suicide Prevention again this year. I am hoping to raise twice as much money as I did last year. While I realize this is a lofty goal who says goals shouldn’t be lofty? No matter how much money I raise, it will again be my privilege to walk among those who have also lost loved ones to suicide and who care about preventing suicide in those who struggle with mental heath issues such as depression. If you would like to support me, you can visit my fundraising page here. If you are in the area and would like to join me, just say so, I would welcome your company and support as it is always an emotional experience.

Here’s to finding beautiful things in your day! I feel so blessed to feel the beauty in my heart and soul again today.

Express Yourself Already

It’s been too long since I’ve written or done much of anything that really expresses myself authentically. And you know what? It’s about damn time I get back to it. I have been holding back and I have been just a bit busy, okay, I’ve been a lot busy. Being single mama to two children, the sole breadwinner and embarking on a new career, well, just those two things alone have kept me busy enough. Add dating and other life commitments to the mix and well, I got lost.

Funny how it takes something like failure or loss to push you to find what makes you “work” again. I have been flailing all about like a fish out of water recently. And it occurred to me this morning that a couple of things are going on. 1) I don’t feel like I am helping people anymore, like really helping people. In my health activist efforts, in my previous blogging efforts and work in the online mental health and chronic pain communities I regularly and genuinely felt like I was being of service to others. People reached out to me and thanked me. People related to me. I related to them. I was engaged in the act of making others feel better. 2) I am not expressing myself. In work I express mostly what other people want or need to hear from me (if I am expressing anything), so no where in life am I authentically expressing Amy. I used to do that all the time, mostly here. Also often in art and crafts, in poetry on Twitter, and in community (predominantly online). So take point 1 and point 2 and put them together, you get a shell of who I am, but none of the really, really good stuff.

I have been so sad and feeling empty… because I have just been the shell… but now I need to get back to the good stuff!

I don’t think I have it all figured out yet, (ha ha, will I ever?) but I know that I am trying. I went to a yoga studio and practiced yoga tonight for the first time. I have done yoga at home before (mostly on the wii) but I have wanted for years to go to a real yoga studio and practice. It was challenging and empowering and relaxing and rejuvenating all at the same time. And most importantly, I finally did it!

I am making plans for myself and being social, even when I don’t much feel like it. I am feeding myself positive thoughts to think on and I am working really hard at practicing actually thinking them! I am doing the little things that add up to a big thing called whole health, at least I am beginning to really put these things into practice, and it is helping. It is helping me through the moments of sad, the moments of extreme loneliness, the moments where I forget how crazy awesome I am and I feel not good enough.

Just being “here” and writing and telling the world that “Damn it, I am here and I am making it!” Well, that’s a big deal. It’s a big deal for me. And maybe it will be a big deal for someone… some other single mom or person who has struggled with chronic depression or chronic illness of some kind, or someone who has just been lost. I tell you what, I am tired of acting like I don’t struggle, that life isn’t hard (believe it or not I have been acting like that recently in some circles). But, I am more tired of feeling like I am letting life run me over. I am made to stand proud, and so are you. I may be broken, but I think I am beautiful that way. I just have to remember. Like the stained glass that is shattered in my blog’s header photo, broken is beautiful, it lets the light shine through. I will find a way to let the light shine through me and then wherever I go, whoever sees me, they will see light, too.

And just for the fun of it, I just need to add a little Madonna to the mix, it’s only appropriate:

It Helps Me #NHBPM Day 1

 

 

It’s been a long time since I have attempted to do anything like this, but I am feeling extra inspired, or perhaps I am a glutton for punishment! Selfishly, I just want to write and the National Health Blog Post Month created by WEGO Health gives me good reason to do just that. 30 days and 30 posts all about health. Thank goodness for the 30 days of prompts they have provided as well.

Today starts off with the topic “Why do you write about your health?” (or your health condition) and so, in case you haven’t heard for a while about why I do this, I will share:

I write about my health because it helps me. First, I thought I started writing because I wanted to help others (which I desperately do) but I have found more than anything else it helps me. It helps me along my journey of living a more beautiful life whether I am feeling joyful, content or experiencing depression. It helps me cope when I am in pain from fibromyalgia or experiencing one (or all) of the many other symptoms that go along with it. It helps me to feel connected to the rest of the world, especially to those who also experience similar challenges. It helps me be a better person, it helps me see how far I’ve come and where I need to start over again. It helps me get a fresh perspective and it helps me to vent when I just want to well, you know, whine. I could actually make a list of all the different ways it helps me (maybe I should!) and I bet that would be a great post in and of itself. For the sake of time, I will just say one more time… it helps me.

 

 

Secrets Shared: World Mental Health Day 2012

 

It’s World Mental Health Day today and for me that means that not much is different except that I am extra inspired and energized to keep sharing and putting myself out there in an effort to help people discuss mental health topics.

It’s a normal day of work and the busy single mama schedule. Life continues whether I participate or not. But, lucky for me, I had already written and submitted a blog post to WEGO Health for the Tough Stuff theme this month. With a great sense of serendipity, the post was published today… on World Mental Health Day!

This post is special and scary for me, not this one, but this one, the one over at WEGO Health, called “Learning to be Okay“. I have only written one other time about the subject matter in that post (self-harm) and I am fearful of posting about it again. But no matter what, it is the truth, it’s part of me and a part of what has made me into the person I am today. It is an important topic related to mental health and can’t be ignored. We can try to cover it up but it only hurts others by doing so… it only brings more sadness to the many who suffer in silence and shame.

Help me support the thousands of people who hold secrets too close and feel great pain because of it? Help me to let the world know that it is okay to talk about really tough stuff? You can do this by sharing my post (either this one or the one at WEGO Health) and by sharing the message with your friends, loved ones and communities that you don’t judge people because of their struggles. All people, yep, all people, deserve love and kindness and help when they are hurting.

Thank you from my heart.

Amy

Related articles

• World Mental Health Day 2012 Coverage (psychcentral.com)

Marked

Sometimes when one experiences a health issue, or a mental health issue, they can feel as if they are “marked” for life. It’s kind of like a scarlet letter, but instead of an “A” for adultery, in my case it is a “D” for depression. Sometimes the person who marks us most is ourselves.

I have had a couple of emotional days recently and it’s perfectly understandable considering my current circumstance. Any single mom who has recently found themselves in need of a new job and missing her children who have been away for a while might be prone to feeling emotional. Any parent who is facing a bit of financial hardship and dealing with the over-all stress of the quickly approaching school year might feel themselves a bit more anxious than usual. So, truly, it’s not a surprise that I have a been a bit teary-eyed and sad the last couple of days.

What is different is how my family, friends and even myself react when I experience a couple of days in a row where I am a bit emotional and sad. And that, is understandable, too.

Because of my past experience with chronic depression I find myself to get a bit overly concerned if I have a couple of bad days in a row. In the back of my mind I wonder…”Is this the start of an episode of depression? Will I bounce back from this quickly?” and I also ask myself questions like, “What do I need to do right now to safeguard myself from falling into a depressive state?” It’s healthy to be aware and alert, but I can also sense some fear and panic in myself at the thought.

My friends and loved ones may find themselves calling me more often or worrying a bit more about my well-being. And truth be told, it helps. (And yet, it occasionally annoys me, but I will gladly take the concern over none at all!)  Even though I may not always answer the phone it means a WHOLE lot to me to hear from people who care from me, especially in times when I could be susceptible to depression. These people are part of my army, my arsenal, to fight back. They help me build my defense and keep it strong. The value of knowing I am cared about is more than anything else I can think of during a time like what I am currently experiencing.

Today, I wanted to spend the whole day in bed… I wanted to just lay there and feel sad. Truly, I was just sad today. (Don’t we all have sad days?) But I chose to use all the strength I could muster to do a little laundry, unload the dishwasher, shower and get prettied up, then take myself to the bookstore and to a movie. And it wasn’t all bad, in fact, I had a few laughs at the movie and that was priceless. I knew I must get out and I knew that I could not wear that big “D” on my chest or around my neck or I would be too vulnerable to that potential of experiencing depression.

Sometimes that mark is a good warning, sometimes it can be bothersome. Sometimes it can impede our progress or limit our opportunities (if we are being judged by someone else or even ourselves because of it) but mostly, when I choose to think positively on it, it serves me well as a reminder to take care of myself. And for that, I am grateful. Perhaps being marked isn’t all bad.

Related articles

• Emotions and Depression (psychologytoday.com)
• A Few Signs Your Teenager May Be Depressed (psychcentral.com)
• Night lights may foster depression (sciencenews.org)
• Yoga Benefits for Mental Health (rachelmiller1511.wordpress.com)