Am I Oversharing? That’s Okay.

A huge part of who I am and what I write about involves divulging some pretty personal stuff. I’m certain there are people who have read this blog before and thought, “I can’t believe she just told that to the whole online world!” Believe me, there are times I think that too.

I often reflect on this and have to remind myself why I do it.

If telling you about the mental anguish I have experienced or am experiencing makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay. If explaining to you that I have experienced sexual assault makes you feel weird or nervous for me, that’s okay too. You may not like to read that I have been so depressed before that I attempted suicide and guess what, I don’t like it either. It may be really unpleasant to hear about the pain I have endured, you may even think I’m whining. And that is totally okay, too.

For every story I tell, there are thousands of others that are far worse than mine. There are people who have endured and experienced pains like none I can imagine. But there are also people who know experiences much like the ones I have had or are experiencing a trauma or a dark depression for the first time in their life; they may find comfort in what I have to say. Someone may have just received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and need to know that it can be very hard, but they can live life with it. There are people who know what it is like to live with fibromyalgia and chronic pain who help me by responding to my posts about living with this illness. There are people who stand up and say, we are not alone, all because I share. There are people who just feel comforted, as do I, to know that another person gets what it is like to face the challenges of anxiety, depression, PTSD, self-injury, etc. and for them I write. Even for those who have endured much worse, I write. I write to let them know that they have my support if they choose to speak out. I want them to know that I believe in them and that they can find healing.

Sometimes I ask myself… am I over-sharing? Did you really need to know that I was molested when I was 7 years old by an elderly man? Nope. You may not need to know that, but by putting that out here, maybe, just maybe, someone will say, “Me too, and it really changed me. It really had an effect on me that I can acknowledge now.” Who knows?

For all of these reasons and more I continue to spill it here for you… and for me. It is the best salve for my wounds. It helps me to know I am not alone, it helps me to know that if I can say it out loud then I can move through it and on to the good things in life. If I can share my struggles with you, then I can face them and I can choose to live free of them. Perhaps this is the greatest reason I write, after all, not that many people read this blog!

So it’s okay. It’s okay to over-share. Feel free to join me, there is no judgment here.

 

Peeking Out the Window

My children and I have managed (with a lot of help!) to move recently and we are working now to get settled into our new space. It’s a daunting task, but what is now behind us was worse. It’s a great feeling to know that the (hopefully) hardest parts are in the past, but since I am depleted of energy it can still feel tough to look ahead.

I find myself in a strange place right now. I go back and forth between fear, anger, peace and optimism. My outlook fluctuates frequently. While I have felt relatively stable emotionally, I find myself tearing up and even shedding some tears again, when I thought most of the tears were all used up already. I am in the midst of the messy process of divorce that is one of great grief and confusion, for all involved.

I’ve been here before. But I have two children to be concerned about now and I have to cope with the reality that I also have two failed marriages in my pocket. Both marriages have been valuable learning experiences in retrospect, but incredibly difficult losses and losses that I would certainly prefer not to have.

It’s hard for me to write here on my blog during this time. I know that family members, friends, and who knows who else might be looking in, checking up, and investigating what I publish. It’s difficult to feel safe with that.  In the past I haven’t required too much reservation of myself in writing, but now, everything looks and feels different, almost foreign.

A few things haven’t changed about who I am and what I will continue to share with you…

I live with Fibromyalgia.

I live with Major Depressive Disorder (and a couple of other co-morbid mental health issues).

I am a Health Activist.

I am a parent.

I love social media.

I love awareness…raising awareness, creating awareness and talking about tough issues like suicide and suicide prevention for example.

I intend and am seeking to live a full and beautiful life while loving myself and others all the way through it, as best as I can.

So what is the point of this post really?

I guess I am just peeking out the window of my new “home” and checking to see if it looks safe out here. Feel free to let me know if you see danger!

A Path to Well Enough, A Fight for Prevention (Guest Post)

It is a great privilege of mine to share with you a post that was originally posted on the blog My 3rd Baby: EllieAdorn. Don’t let the title of her wonderful blog fool you, this is a post about issues I am very passionate about and you’ve come to know will be talked about here. Please leave a comment of gratitude for our guest post author and let her know if she touches your heart!

A Path to Well Enough, A Fight for Prevention
By: Cristi Comes, Mom of 2, author of My 3rd Baby: EllieAdorn mom support site

I hit my head against the dresser over and over. I had never “hurt myself” this way before but

I was so depressed I needed to feel something.

I was becoming suicidal and I had started to make myself physically sick.

I was late every day to work or just missed days entirely.

I was drinking and partying way too much. And alcohol just made me weepy and more depressed.

If I had my way, I’d stay in bed all day, never get dressed, never shower, never go out.

I even had a “psychiatrist.” I put that title in quotes because he was not a good one, and I was young and inexperienced and didn’t know that I should advocate for myself and find a good doctor. I guess I didn’t even know he was a bad one.

My friends began to notice, and without me knowing talked to each other. I was living in Los Angeles at the time far away from most of my family. And this was my group of girl friends who I had only known for a few years. But we loved each other dearly (and still do although we all live apart now).

I didn’t know John. We hadn’t met yet. So that support was not there.

But I was confronted by friends. My tight knit group of LA girlfriends. Guy friends from college. One even came to visit from New Orleans to check on me. It was that bad.
Finally I saw that others were there for me and I didn’t need to suffer alone. I asked for help. I went to my boss and my bosses boss and asked for leave. It was a difficult thing for me to do because even though recently I had started to be late, miss work and such, I prided myself on keeping it together when I WAS there and doing a great job for my clients.

I found out about the Family Medical Leave Act. I could legally take time off and still get partial pay because of a severe medical need.

And so I left my apartment and job behind for a few months. Traveled to my parents’ home in Florida and went to therapy. Intense therapy, 3-4 times per week for two months. I saw my Grandmother’s psychiatrist in Tampa (she’s a good one) and started trying out new medications.

I faced a few demons left over from a date rape in college with hypnotherapy. I told my parents I had been raped.

It wasn’t the end of my mental health struggles by any means, but it was the start of an amazing learning experience that has brought me to today. I now trust my heart. I listen to my inner voice. I advocate for myself and my mental health.

When the bad days come, and yes they certainly still do, I know I can ask for help. I know its OK to be a “Sad Bunny” once in a while (whether from PPD, depression or just the regular stresses of life).

It’s just letting those days turn into weeks or months that becomes a BIG PROBLEM.

Letting those days turn into hitting your head against a dresser.

Letting those days turn into thoughts of suicide.

Letting those days and your mental illness take away your life.

On Saturday I walked for Suicide Prevention at Seattle Pacific University, and it felt good. I felt like I was making a difference in honor of my own struggles and my friends who have died by suicide. In honor of Dina.

On October 1st, the larger Out of the Darkness Walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention will make its way around Green Lake Park in Seattle with me and many other supporters. I’m formulating plans for a fundraising and awareness campaign and I’m SO excited I could cry.

This is SO important. We are not alone in this fight. My friends proved that to me about 8 years ago when they confronted me. Today I am confronting you.

Have you asked for help?

First Visit to Local NAMI Group (Learning about DBT)

I attended a local NAMI affiliate meeting this week for the first time. I received an email about the meetings after signing up to be a member of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)  recently. I wasn’t sure exactly what the intentions of these weekly meetings were, who they were geared towards and what kinds of things would be discussed. So, the opportunity to go came about and I went. (Something I totally would not have done all by myself a couple of years ago.)

For this week’s meeting they had a guest speaker, a recently retired therapist from the county mental health agency. He spoke on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy from his perspective. Honestly, I have heard of DBT and have been exposed to it as far as knowing that it can be an optional approach to treatment, and touching on some of the aspects of it, but I have not participated in DBT for a sustained period of time or with a clear understanding of  its composition and theory.

For a good hour, he discussed the background, philosophies and context from which this therapeutic approach was created.  Turns out DBT was developed in the early 90’s by Dr. Marsha Linehan. She had been applying standard CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) in her practice with women who had histories of chronic suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, urges to self-harm, and self-mutilation. She and her research team found a set of specific problems in using CBT with these clients.

As a result of defining these issues and looking for ways to resolve them, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was born. DBT is a regimented practice with specific targets and treatment stages. It requires a long term commitment but addresses each level of need by a client, from a crisis/life threatening stage to a stage of learning new skills and applying them in daily life. The best description of this can be found here, in the paragraph Stages and Targets. The main skill sets that are taught are interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness.

DBT is used to treat a variety of conditions, one of the most common Borderline Personality Disorder, but not limited to that by any means. Its uses include but are not limited to Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, and Trauma. (Components of DBT, were introduced to me while I was in treatment on a trauma unit in 2006.) Research is promising, showing decreased likelihood to drop out of therapy, patients less likely to be hospitalized, as well as reductions in suicidal ideation and self-harm. (See paragraph: Research on DBT)

I feel really positive about what I learned about DBT and that this therapy can be usefully and successfully applied to many who are suffering. I like the way DBT meshes key components of CBT with mindfulness, acceptance and validation. I will link to some sites for more information on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy at the bottom of this post. But, please, share information and resources if you know of any in the comments.

While learning about DBT was an interesting aspect of attending the meeting it is my understanding that this particular kind of meeting is meant as a support group for those dealing with mental illness as well as family members of those with mental illness. For my needs as a health activist, I am looking for a different kind of meeting, one in which I can learn about ways to bring my activism to the community. I discussed this with the leader of the group and she told me about the affiliate’s board meeting that will be taking place in a couple of weeks. I hope that I am able to attend and bring back more good things to share.

I left the meeting grateful that there are resources out there like this NAMI meeting for those in need in my community, but also hoping that I can locate more of our community’s resources and be able to share first hand knowledge of them.

 

For further reading on DBT here are a couple of resources I came across:

Behavioral Tech, LLC founded by Dr. Linehan

DBT Self-Help

Building a Life Worth Living : with a little help from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Treating Eating Disorders with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Related Articles

• Watch an April DBT lecture by Dr. Marsha Linehan at Your Local National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (psychologytoday.com)
• The New Kid on the Block: Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (mentahealthmatters.wordpress.com)
• Helping a Teen Who Self-Injures (everydayhealth.com)
• Eating Disorders and Anxiety (everydayhealth.com)

The Face of Mental Illness

 

It’s me. It’s you. It’s your neighbor. Your mother, your brother, your best friend. It can be any of us and all of us.

I sit here today feeling somehow less of a person because of my challenges. Fighting against the seeming dark forces of depression, fatigue and a headache of unknown origin.  I feel somehow less valuable (at the moment) to the world, although I have so much to contribute. It’s part of the lie, the lie that we are told if we are labeled with a mental health issue or illness, the lie that we are less.

Not all days do I feel like this, if I did, I wouldn’t be smiling happily in the picture above. Most days I want to work for a greater good, help others, and create change. I want to let others know about the hope that I feel most of the time now. I want to educate, inspire, and help eradicate the stigma the seeps into all of our lives.

On Twitter this afternoon, an article was tweeted that reminds me of a vision I have for myself and I hope to achieve. This article speaks of  a woman who is creating change in the world by speaking to students about the realities of suicide and she speaks from her own experience, having lost her daughter to suicide just a few years ago. I have often envisioned speaking to students about suicide and depression, with the hope that my own experience with these issues can somehow help them to know they are not alone, to understand better what goes on in the mind of a person who is suicidal, and to provide hope for those who are struggling with depression.

The inner workings of the depressed mind can be so illusive and yet, so many experience it, they just don’t talk about it. This quote below describes the torment of living with this illness at it’s worst. From the book Darkness Visible by William Styron:

“For in virtually any other serious sickness, a patient who felt similar devastation would be lying flat in bed. … However, the sufferer from depression has no such option and therefore finds himself, like a walking casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations.”

Additionally, from the article cited above, this quote resonates so deeply with me:

“And it’s not pain you can look at. If I break my leg and it hurts, I can scream and scream and point at my twisted leg with maybe a femur or tibia poking out to help emphasize my point. But when your soul, your inner being, your mind, is hurt … you can’t scream and point.”

While we can’t point at it, we can bring attention to it. We can share it, we can tell others about it. I am working to organize a blogging event called, “Shatter Stigma with Your Story!” Let me know if you are interested in participating and watch the blog and the discussion linked above on WEGO Health for information about the date and “how-to’s” of the event.

I am one of the many faces of mental illness and I am not less. Let’s share this truth together, for all of those who are challenged by mental health issues.