A Beautiful Life is Full of Changes

Life is ever-changing isn’t it? Sometimes changes are transitions like the rolling hills on a country road and other times the changes are more like the first deep plunge of a roller coaster ride. Many times, it’s a combination of both! Life has been full of so many changes for me and my family. Lucky for me, they are beautiful, life-giving changes and gifts from God. As it is, changes still require adaptation and periods of transition.

My life has been renewed this last year and a half. I have been given the love of my life and I became his wife. I have a much larger family now (from 2 kids to 5!). My struggle with Fibromyalgia isn’t near the painful existence that it used to be, in fact, it’s minuscule in comparison (not entirely gone, but WAY better!). I think I may always contend with the beast of depression (and always want to talk about it) as it has been with me for most of my life, but my focus in life is, more often than not, to not focus on depression as my life sentence. I am also now focusing on parenting one young child with severe autism and another who was diagnosed as being on the spectrum but high functioning. I am also focused on parenting the three teenagers we have who aren’t on the spectrum but present a whole different set of challenges! And, I continue to be passionate about social media and work from home as a social media project manager. But my main and most important focus in life is to be the best and most loving faith-filled wife and mother I can be, who still makes a mess of things sometimes, has a lot of messes to clean up and works hard to remember that life is always beautiful. Perhaps this new chapter is deserving of a fresh and clean blog slate.

What do you think?

Oh, the changes I’ve seen…

I couldn’t help but make the title a little bit dramatic, because although I am seeing great changes in myself, they are not really all that dramatic  or noticeable to any bystander.

While we all have stress in our lives, all of us, I am going through one of those monumental kinds of situations that bring upon great levels of stress. But, despite that, I seem to be holding up quite while. This alone is truly remarkable.  Not only am I holding up well, especially compared to most people’s expectations (and my own), but I am making positive changes in my life, in the way I take care of myself. (Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments!)

We talk a lot about self-care in the mental health community and also among those who suffer chronic pain. It’s of the utmost importance. And most of us try really hard to implement as much of that as we can. But there comes a time when you finally say, “I’m doing it, I’m really going to do it. I’m tired of living this way, I am going to make the changes that I have been putting off for x amount of time.” I can only speak for myself, but there have been many things that I knew I “should” be doing that could greatly benefit my health that, for whatever reason, I was not able to make the choice to put into practice. I know many others who struggle with similar battles. It’s the giving up of a certain food, or adding in exercise, setting up a bed time routine or taking medications on a regular basis. It can be little things that inside we know will make a difference, but for some reason we just don’t do it.

Well, I finally did it. I finally said, I can choose differently. I drew in a sense of power from a source not of my own and I have completely redesigned the way that I am eating. I am doing this for my mental health. I am doing this to help with the fibromyalgia symptoms. I am doing this because it is what my body needs from me and it is what I need for my body and mind. I don’t know how to explain the exact moment that I knew I could do it, but it happened and I am eating healthier than I imagined I ever possibly could. I doubted my ability to make these good choices before, but now I see that I can. I know that I have that power within me. It’s a great feeling.

While it’s only been a couple of weeks, I can tell my body is in less pain. I take far fewer pain relievers such as ibuprofen and naproxen sodium. That alone is a huge sign of change. I am still quite fatigued, but hey, it’s just the beginning. My mood is more level and my ability to cope with the challenges before me seems solid the majority of the time. These are all great indicators of better health and ignites the hope within that even better is to come.

What have you been waiting to change? Have you been putting off a certain lifestyle change that you know could really make a difference in your health? I encourage you to begin looking at how you might be able to finally make that change!

 

Related Articles

• I Haven’t Forgotten You Depression (unavitabella.com)
• How to make money off the mentally ill (kevinmd.com)
• When Fibromyalgia Painkillers Stop Working (everydayhealth.com)

I Just Want to Be Okay

I feel shattered. I feel broken all apart and as if my pieces are scattered around. Perhaps the pieces are scattered in mysterious places all over the world and it is going to be one torturous scavenger hunt to find them all and put me back together.

Like so many who battle mental health issues and living with chronic illness like fibromyalgia, I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. It feels like I may share frequently that things are tough, because they are… the last 5 + years of living with this diagnosis of fibromyalgia have been trying, at times horrific. Yet, I have had countless moments of joy and beauty in the midst of it all. If nothing else, I pray that my times of sharing the struggle only illuminate more brightly the beautiful moments I am able to share.

The image I have chosen for my new blog header is much like the image I started with when I first began blogging. It was another image of shattered glass. It was broken but still beautiful.  It reminded me of the broken beauty that I behold, that life holds within it’s palm even during the most difficult of times. This new header image is much like the first except this one is illuminated, it glows with a soft and tender light. I hope that I too will glow with that kind of light as the cracks, my broken pieces, are visible, yet lovely in their own right.

So here I am tonight, feeling emotionally smashed. While I am unsure of how I will put the pieces together, I am holding on to the knowledge that I will regain my composure. I just don’t know when. Please don’t misunderstand me… I look alright on the outside. I am still functioning, although not at optimum. Only my closest friends and those who really know me well are likely aware that I have come into this dark place. Those who know my circumstances, the challenges, and are able to understand life with chronic illness truly get it, and those numbers are few. (Additionally, know that I am seeking the help and support that I need to be healthy and safe.)

But I have to share with you… you need to be made aware when I reach my lows so that you can see me rise up again and know that you can do it too. When I stumble and scrape my knees, it’s okay for me to show you my bumps and bruises, my bloodied knees … because in time I will heal.

Today I heard this song for the first time (“Be OK”) and it speaks volumes to how I feel right now, but it also gives me hope and relief. Perhaps you will feel some of the same as you watch and listen.

Currently Pondering

Thought I would take a moment to share what is going on in my life and what’s on my mind lately.

Last night on the #mhsm chat we discussed the holiday blues. It was a good conversation and a lot of great ideas were shared, you can see transcripts at http://wthashtag.com/mhsm. I typically struggle with a post-holiday let down period. And you know, the big day is coming, and what will I do the day after? This year I want to be proactive and plan ahead for this possible “down” time that could come after the holidays. It don’t believe it is about disappointment, I think it that adrenaline surge that comes from preparing, and then when it’s all over, I feel anxious and unsure of what to do with myself. I hope that in my brainstorming I can come up with some more great ideas to help me ease off of the holiday high and back into “normal” life.

The stress seems unrelenting in life. It just keeps coming. From marital tension, to financial burdens, to concerns regarding my children’s health, it comes from every direction! I began a Relaxation Response Challenge on WEGO Health, and like most challenges, I started off very well-intentioned but have not been able to participate every single day. I have, however, been working on it and will continue to do so. I believe that learning how to practice living in a more relaxed state will make a huge difference in the way I feel emotionally and physically.

I am pondering too, what is most stressful in my life, what do I need to re-prioritize? Where do I need to cut my losses and where is my time, energy and effort best placed? How can I create less stress in certain relationships, how can I be more actively involved in creating a peaceful environment for me and my family? What activities should I continue engaging in on a volunteer basis, where do I need to look to create more income?

In order to have another year ahead free of debilitating depression, (woot! for a year free from severe depression!) then I need to approach each day with that intention. If I want to live a life with less physical pain then I need to be intentional about my choices, those that affect me physically and mentally.

Are you thinking of all of these things too? I know stress is not unique, and I have many blessings to count! But, I want to be proactive and make the best of the year ahead. I also want to leave behind me any negatives of 2010. How will you be doing this in your life?

Breaking Through

As I sit comfy on my couch, snuggled into the cushions and feeling safe in the sanctity of my home, I am keenly aware of the adventure I am about to embark on this evening. I will begin a seminar tonight, that is a pretty large commitment of time and energy. It is called “BreakThrough” and it is described on the website as “A Training Experience in Spiritual Formation and Personal Effectiveness”.

That all sounds a bit wishy-washy and like a lot of New Age stuff to me, but since I am blessed to know some people who have attended this seminar and since my own brother asked me to do this, I am giving it a go. Truth be told, I have been holding on to the hope of getting a lot of help through this process that is about to begin. This weekend, I will be at the seminar Friday evening from 6:30 to 10pm, Saturday from 9:30am to 10pm, and Sunday from 9:30am to 4:00pm. Since it is about 45 minutes away from my house, I am going to go ahead and say that this is going to be a long weekend!

The seminar consists of four components or sections, so this weekend is the first of four. The second is 4-5 day retreat in a little less than 2 weeks from now. The other two are in July. So, this truly is a commitment of mass proportions to the girl who leaves her house little and is challenged with chronic pain and health issues.

I’m committed to myself and to getting healthy. I have a great desire to experience less sadness in my life and less friction in my significant relationships, most obviously with my spouse. But as my kind doctor reminded me yesterday, “a healthy relationship must begin with a healthy relationship with yourself”. I am afraid that my relationship with myself  has not been the most nurturing kind. And, I’m sure that I am going to have the opportunity to exam the “why” of that here real soon.

I am not new to therapy. I have been in and out of counselor’s offices since my mom first took us all to a family counselor when I was around 10 years old. 23 years later, and I can say that I have visited with a counselor at some point within almost all 23 of those years, maybe more like 18 out of the 23, but I think you get the idea. Not a new concept, but there are always new approaches. I also believe that as we grow, age, experience life, we might be able to comprehend  an “old” concept a little better, maybe on a deeper level. I can also say, that never before in my life have I been so aware of the fact that what I have been doing for the last 25-30 years to cope with stress, trauma and life, is not working well for me and is not producing wellness.

We all learn coping mechanisms when we are young and often we often don’t even know what they are. I have come to realize recently that I laugh a lot when I am feeling nervous, vulnerable or when I am trying to avoid feeling the emotions of the moment. It doesn’t seem like I have much control over that behavior, but I hope that I will soon learn how to relax more easily and also allow myself to experience the emotions somehow.

My greatest hope above hopes is that in this experience I will be able to break through the protective walls that I have put up around my heart and soul, that I will break through the coping mechanisms that do not allow me to feel well and whole. I hope that as I go through this process I will break through to find me on the other side, and the person that I have not allowed myself to feel and be. That also means that I will be able to share her with you! I hope you somehow find that exciting, as I truly do!

Psalm 139

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

(NIV)