Oh, the changes I’ve seen…

I couldn’t help but make the title a little bit dramatic, because although I am seeing great changes in myself, they are not really all that dramatic  or noticeable to any bystander.

While we all have stress in our lives, all of us, I am going through one of those monumental kinds of situations that bring upon great levels of stress. But, despite that, I seem to be holding up quite while. This alone is truly remarkable.  Not only am I holding up well, especially compared to most people’s expectations (and my own), but I am making positive changes in my life, in the way I take care of myself. (Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments!)

We talk a lot about self-care in the mental health community and also among those who suffer chronic pain. It’s of the utmost importance. And most of us try really hard to implement as much of that as we can. But there comes a time when you finally say, “I’m doing it, I’m really going to do it. I’m tired of living this way, I am going to make the changes that I have been putting off for x amount of time.” I can only speak for myself, but there have been many things that I knew I “should” be doing that could greatly benefit my health that, for whatever reason, I was not able to make the choice to put into practice. I know many others who struggle with similar battles. It’s the giving up of a certain food, or adding in exercise, setting up a bed time routine or taking medications on a regular basis. It can be little things that inside we know will make a difference, but for some reason we just don’t do it.

Well, I finally did it. I finally said, I can choose differently. I drew in a sense of power from a source not of my own and I have completely redesigned the way that I am eating. I am doing this for my mental health. I am doing this to help with the fibromyalgia symptoms. I am doing this because it is what my body needs from me and it is what I need for my body and mind. I don’t know how to explain the exact moment that I knew I could do it, but it happened and I am eating healthier than I imagined I ever possibly could. I doubted my ability to make these good choices before, but now I see that I can. I know that I have that power within me. It’s a great feeling.

While it’s only been a couple of weeks, I can tell my body is in less pain. I take far fewer pain relievers such as ibuprofen and naproxen sodium. That alone is a huge sign of change. I am still quite fatigued, but hey, it’s just the beginning. My mood is more level and my ability to cope with the challenges before me seems solid the majority of the time. These are all great indicators of better health and ignites the hope within that even better is to come.

What have you been waiting to change? Have you been putting off a certain lifestyle change that you know could really make a difference in your health? I encourage you to begin looking at how you might be able to finally make that change!

 

Related Articles

• I Haven’t Forgotten You Depression (unavitabella.com)
• How to make money off the mentally ill (kevinmd.com)
• When Fibromyalgia Painkillers Stop Working (everydayhealth.com)

I Just Want to Be Okay

I feel shattered. I feel broken all apart and as if my pieces are scattered around. Perhaps the pieces are scattered in mysterious places all over the world and it is going to be one torturous scavenger hunt to find them all and put me back together.

Like so many who battle mental health issues and living with chronic illness like fibromyalgia, I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. It feels like I may share frequently that things are tough, because they are… the last 5 + years of living with this diagnosis of fibromyalgia have been trying, at times horrific. Yet, I have had countless moments of joy and beauty in the midst of it all. If nothing else, I pray that my times of sharing the struggle only illuminate more brightly the beautiful moments I am able to share.

The image I have chosen for my new blog header is much like the image I started with when I first began blogging. It was another image of shattered glass. It was broken but still beautiful.  It reminded me of the broken beauty that I behold, that life holds within it’s palm even during the most difficult of times. This new header image is much like the first except this one is illuminated, it glows with a soft and tender light. I hope that I too will glow with that kind of light as the cracks, my broken pieces, are visible, yet lovely in their own right.

So here I am tonight, feeling emotionally smashed. While I am unsure of how I will put the pieces together, I am holding on to the knowledge that I will regain my composure. I just don’t know when. Please don’t misunderstand me… I look alright on the outside. I am still functioning, although not at optimum. Only my closest friends and those who really know me well are likely aware that I have come into this dark place. Those who know my circumstances, the challenges, and are able to understand life with chronic illness truly get it, and those numbers are few. (Additionally, know that I am seeking the help and support that I need to be healthy and safe.)

But I have to share with you… you need to be made aware when I reach my lows so that you can see me rise up again and know that you can do it too. When I stumble and scrape my knees, it’s okay for me to show you my bumps and bruises, my bloodied knees … because in time I will heal.

Today I heard this song for the first time (“Be OK”) and it speaks volumes to how I feel right now, but it also gives me hope and relief. Perhaps you will feel some of the same as you watch and listen.

Are You Hiding Your Pain?

Recently someone on Twitter posted about hiding pain behind a smile … it sure struck a chord with me.

I can’t tell you how many years I acted like I was fine, how long I smiled through the pain. How often people remarked about my lovely smile, even though inside I was filled with despair, self-loathing and such a deep longing for love and acceptance. I have always tried to smile a lot. I think it’s important to smile, it feels good inside and it’s a very warm way to greet others. But when you are smiling on the outside and hurting on the inside, it sure doesn’t feel so good.

That smile can be the ultimate oxymoron. Sometimes people refer to this same kind of behavior as wearing a mask. Wearing the mask can become second nature, all in an effort to bury and hide the pain. It may even be more comfortable after time to hide the pain, to wear that mask (no matter how heavy it may be), rather than feel the pain even for a moment.

Hiding the pain behind a smile, behind a mask, can lead to all kinds of unpleasant coping techniques. (Should I count just how many of these I’ve tried? Nope.) Even worse than the unhealthy coping mechanisms, I think is how you can almost die to yourself if you do not allow yourself to express and show your pain at appropriate times. I haven’t mastered this…in fact, I seem to go from one end of the spectrum to the other at times. I work hard to be more positive than I was in the past, I work hard to feel better and to wear a smile more often, yet it can be easy to fall into old patterns and behaviors.

Thankfully, some people can see through it. Just yesterday I saw my brother briefly… I met him in a parking lot to pick something up from him. I was wearing sunglasses, my eyes were completely covered. My hair was fixed. I looked pretty “normal” on the outside. But somehow, as soon as he saw me he noticed something… he said, “You don’t look like you feel very good.” All at the same time I was shocked that he could tell and I was also thankful. My eyes welled up with tears… he couldn’t see that. It really was sweet relief to have my pain acknowledged (even if it was more emotional pain than anything). Being strong, stoic and brave behind a smile is exhausting!

Just as I am skilled at hiding pain behind a smile, I am equally skilled at complaining, some might even call it whining. It’s a fine line. Talking about the same problems over and over again gets old. It’s gets old for the listener and for the teller. Dwelling on the negative can become second nature to me as well, if I allow it. I seem to wander back and forth between these two extremes. I certainly feel my best when I am somewhere in the middle, acknowledging the challenges in my life but seeking positive and beauty in the midst. That is what I am really striving to do here, on a consistent basis. I won’t pretend that I have this licked, that I have it all down to a science, but this is what I strive for and I feel passionate about it.

Admittedly, consistency is tough when you live with pain that is sporadic, when you have good days and bad days physically and emotionally. Consistency is tough when life throws things at you, difficult things, different things on different days. But there are some consistencies in life that we can rely on, and these things can help us get through even the most difficult of times.

If you are hiding pain, if you are living behind a mask, I ask you what do you risk by allowing yourself to feel some of that pain? Does it feel like you will lose all control if you feel it? Do you feel like it will overcome you? I have felt that way before… and the truth is, it might overcome you for a while, but if you have support in line (a counselor, a therapist, a trusted pastor or friend) you can trust yourself to feel that pain and move through it. It may be a process, perhaps a long one, but in my experience moving through it always leads to a better place.

Sometimes we get stuck, but we have to remember to keep pushing through it… if we get stuck in the complaining, in the murky waters of self-pity, we have to keep forging ahead and look for solutions. We must look for the things that we do have control over, the ways that we can improve our situations and/or our health, and most importantly keep looking if you don’t see them right away.

I tell you this as much as I tell myself… but in order to live a more beautiful life, we can’t live it hiding behind a smile, we can’t live a life of constantly hiding the pain. Free yourself from that burden, give yourself that gift today.

I have out my solution detector (like a metal detector but it seeks out solutions) right now, it’s getting kind of heavy (I did tell you I am good at whining) but I still have it and I’m going to keep on using it. Will you keep looking too?

Related Articles

• That Bad Bad Feeling Inside (psychologytoday.com)
• Keeping a Diary Can Help You Manage Pain (everydayhealth.com)
• How About a #PainChat on Twitter? (unavitabella.com)

The Tougher Choice: Don’t Give Up

It would be so easy for me to write a post about all that is on my mind and troubling my heart. It would be just like me to dwell in a bit of self-pity right now, but I have to do something different. I don’t know how I am going to go to sleep tonight without a few more tears, but I know this…I have to keep trying, keep putting one foot in front of the other and do my very best to get healthier.

It’s so hard when you feel like you just want to quit, throw your arms up in the air and say “I’m done! I give up!” But I believe it may be even harder to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “What can I do differently to make tomorrow a better day?” As much as I would like to point the finger at external sources of pain and frustration, all I’ve got to work with is me… Amy. I am the only one that can call the shots for me, I am the only one that can put in the extra effort, make the lifestyle changes, and do the work that needs to be done to be the best me I can be. Ugh… that sucks!

But, in truth, it is empowering. I have power to make a difference. I have the power to make life more enjoyable, to find ways to be healthier and more in tune with myself… mind, body and spirit. So when I wake tomorrow, I will remind myself of this post, remind myself of the choices I can make and I will choose to at least do one thing differently tomorrow, to at least do one thing to better my life and my circumstances. I won’t give up.

What will you do? Are you looking in the mirror and encouraging yourself to make better choices because you can? Or are you pointing the finger elsewhere? (It’s okay, we all want to.)

P.S. Before I sleep tonight, I will remind myself that no matter what, I am loved by my Creator. He is proud of me, no matter how many times I don’t “do it right”, He is still cheering for me and believing in me. For that I am so grateful.  Whatever your beliefs, I believe you, too, are loved.

For some extra inspiration check out:  “Don’t Give Up (You are Loved)” by Josh Groban. I picked it out just for you (and me!).

My Life in Pajamas

Living life in pajamas has its upsides. Comfort is number one. It sounds really pleasant, like all of those commercials for work at home opportunities that tout “I can wear my pajama pants and slippers to work and no one ever notices!” But in reality, living my life in pajamas hasn’t been “all that”.

I’ve always loved a comfy pair of pj’s. Who doesn’t? Clothes that feel like they were made for relaxation are such a treat. My favorite ensemble has been, for years now… cotton pajama pants and a sleep tee ( a t-shirt made specifically for sleeping in). More often than not you will find me in an old T-shirt from college or from a fundraiser that happens to co-ordinate somehow with my jammie pants. I’ll never forget my pink Sig Ep Luau t-shirt from a fraternity party my freshman year of college. It got a lot of great use as a nightshirt and I believe we had to part ways when the shirt was around 10 years old. I am still mourning that loss. Another favorite of mine were a lovely pair of blue, white, and gray striped pajama pants that I wore and washed so many times that the fabric became very thin. One day, I sat down on the couch and the pants split at the seem, straight up the rear end. It was a sad moment saying goodbye to those, too.

I am very particular about my jammie pants. They need to be a certain kind of cotton to be the “just right” kind. I believe my absolute favorite are poplin. They remain cool and soft. They glide with the sheets, never giving me the feeling of being tangled up in the covers. My current favorite poplin cotton pajama pants have polka dots on them, which make them even that much more special. I have two pairs of those actually. The problem is … I’ve worn them too much. They are fraying, the adorable coordinating striped ties are falling out. Did I tell you they are pink with polka dots? I have white ones, too.

But here’s the thing…when you wear your pajamas too much it means you’re not living your life enough. It means that I’m not leaving the house as much as one should. I’m not involved in community the way I would like to be. Too much pajama wearin’ leaves you with a lot of social engagements either never formed or unfulfilled. It means, I am in pain, either emotional or physical more often than I’m not. I love my pajamas, but I think I’m missing something when I don’t get out of them.

It’s truly not the pajamas that limit me, but the pain and fatigue, and when it strikes, depression, and anxiety come too. It is what the pajamas represent that’s important here. And truly, I am so thankful that I have been spending more time gussied up in recent months. It feels good to get pretty, to put on a pair of boots, do my make-up and fix my hair. But even still, on average, my pajamas get more play time than I do. This may just be par for the course in chronic illness, do you spend a lot of time in your pj’s too?

I wonder though, if this is the year that I will get out of my pajamas more frequently? Certainly it must. I’ve seen some great pajamas come and go, but I think I would rather wear a hole in some jeans or wear out a pair of tennis shoes from all of the exercise I’ve been doing. What’s it going to take for me to see less of my pajamas and more of the other clothes that actually hang in my closet? What will it take to get you out of your jammies?

I have had some pretty serious headaches lately, knocking me for a loop and making life feel dark and dismal. But I tell you what, I’ve got some choices to make. I can be proactive and look for what’s causing my headaches and look for remedies as well, or I can just continue to wear out these pink polka dot pajamas. I think I am going to go with option number one, because these pajamas just aren’t looking as pretty as they did before.