I Just Want to Be Okay

I feel shattered. I feel broken all apart and as if my pieces are scattered around. Perhaps the pieces are scattered in mysterious places all over the world and it is going to be one torturous scavenger hunt to find them all and put me back together.

Like so many who battle mental health issues and living with chronic illness like fibromyalgia, I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. It feels like I may share frequently that things are tough, because they are… the last 5 + years of living with this diagnosis of fibromyalgia have been trying, at times horrific. Yet, I have had countless moments of joy and beauty in the midst of it all. If nothing else, I pray that my times of sharing the struggle only illuminate more brightly the beautiful moments I am able to share.

The image I have chosen for my new blog header is much like the image I started with when I first began blogging. It was another image of shattered glass. It was broken but still beautiful.  It reminded me of the broken beauty that I behold, that life holds within it’s palm even during the most difficult of times. This new header image is much like the first except this one is illuminated, it glows with a soft and tender light. I hope that I too will glow with that kind of light as the cracks, my broken pieces, are visible, yet lovely in their own right.

So here I am tonight, feeling emotionally smashed. While I am unsure of how I will put the pieces together, I am holding on to the knowledge that I will regain my composure. I just don’t know when. Please don’t misunderstand me… I look alright on the outside. I am still functioning, although not at optimum. Only my closest friends and those who really know me well are likely aware that I have come into this dark place. Those who know my circumstances, the challenges, and are able to understand life with chronic illness truly get it, and those numbers are few. (Additionally, know that I am seeking the help and support that I need to be healthy and safe.)

But I have to share with you… you need to be made aware when I reach my lows so that you can see me rise up again and know that you can do it too. When I stumble and scrape my knees, it’s okay for me to show you my bumps and bruises, my bloodied knees … because in time I will heal.

Today I heard this song for the first time (“Be OK”) and it speaks volumes to how I feel right now, but it also gives me hope and relief. Perhaps you will feel some of the same as you watch and listen.